Future

This weekend was especially quiet and introspective for me.  Partly because of all that is going on in the world and around us.  Too many unnecessary and untimely deaths, too much evil, too many shootings!  Too much justification for other peoples’ lives!

May the dead Rest in Peace and the Wounded heal at God Speed.  As for the rest of us, may we be safe.  I have been sad about the lack of results on the infertility front, but I feel selfish when I think of those that have lost their children, wives, husbands, parents, etc in violent acts that are totally unwarranted. 

Makes me wonder what kind/ type of a world we are gonna leave for our unborn children!  We all want to be parents so bad, but can we really protect them once we bring them into this world? 

The end... so soon.

I have been so down I have no particular emotion to describe how I feel.  After 8 days of daily Follistim shots, my poor lil follies would not respond.  Despite having an AFC of 3 on the left and 2 on the right, they stayed so small and sometimes even shrunk.  My estrogen was a mere >25, meaning my chances were slim to none.  This despite a nice lush lining of 9.6 (what’s the point?)  If everything else did not look so good… then again, this is one less thing to worry about.  Mission aborted.

I somewhat expected the worst but it still hit me so hard that I fell without knowing I had fallen.  I am trying to stay positive but it is hard.  The past few days I have not been taking all my vitamins and even cancelled acupuncture this week.  I need to pull it together.  My poor hubs does not know what to do at this point coz I don’t even know what I want.  He thinks we should take a break but I don’t believe that is the answer. 

I need a sign to show me the wayL

Good to go - new beginnings

Yesterday was the follow-up apt with the RE after Daily Estradiol 150mcg x2 weeks.  This was meant to suppress the FSH and boy did it do just that!  My FSH was 2.6…. yup, 2.6!  I was too surprised because last time this was checked, it was 45.  I mentioned side effects: tender breasts, wt gain, bloated feeling and she decided to decrease it to 50 mcg twice a day.  I am okay with it and hope that things stay in a good place.  The Estradiol was <26 which according to her is good.  The antra follicle count was 2 on L.(2mm, 3mm) and 1 on R.(4mm) – well, don’t know what to think of this but I am hoping for miracles.  My lining was great at 8.4 (triphasic?).

I am well aware that people with POI do not tend to respond well to stim meds, but one can only hope.  I mean, what else do I have?  I am happy about the FSH drop because that is one hurdle down.  This gives me hope that something is doable.  It also hints that IVF might be possible in the future (I have heard you cannot do IVF if FSH is >10).   Just not sure this is the case with estradiol replacement – my body liked that.

She decided that this would be a great time to start Follistim 225 iu injections.  I picked it up from the pharmacy and talk about sticker shock!  Ouch!  A vial of 600 iu cost me $500 (do the math for 3 vials).  That is what happens when you have dual insurance and none of them covers infertility.  What a horror!  I called hubs who reminded me that we again… have to hope for the best and bite the bullet!  She, for some reason started me on a high dose (I now know this because I noticed that most ladies take about 50-150 IU).  In a way, I am glad that she wants this done without a slow titrate given my low numbers.

I am really hoping this helps my follies grow because that will be yet another hurdle jumped.  She was clear in stating that most people with my condition do not respond to these meds… yes, I heard you but hope can be one stubborn animal.  I will only go in with a grain of salt, or a mustard seed.....

Day one:  Hubs and I went back and forth on neither of us wanting to administer the medication.  He is scared of needles and I just could not see how I would jab myself with a needle.  I found a you-tube video which helped him some.  Top that with him practicing on a tomato.  Oh the drama coming from Mr. strong himselfJ .  Finally, he garnered the guts and stated that he would take care of it; and there I was, creaming like a crazed woman that I was scared… read: too dramatic for TV! Lol.  Anyways, it was not even painful plus it was over and done before I knew it.  Success!  Here is to my first Follistim injection.  Scratch that…. My first ever subcutaneous injection on my belly!

I realized that I had not asked about exercise and BD later in the day when hubs asked me about it.  Turns out I can exercise and BD as much as I want for now.  Hubs was happy to hear about the latterJ

Gratitude

Happy Friday y’all!  Fridays always make me feel excitable because I do not have to wake up early Saturday morning.  I am sure some or most of you understand that very well. 

First, I would like to thank Aislinn of http://msbabymakin.blogspot.com/ for the wonderful gift of the paracord awareness bracelet (see below).  I am super excited about this!  Thanks Aislinn!  May your journey be Blessed with a bundle of joy in your arms.

 

Secondly, I feel so grateful to have my husband as my life partner.  I am amazed at his propensity to make my life better in more ways than one.  He has truly been there for me even when I do not deserve his constant assurance and love.  I need to do better in terms of loving, giving, listening, assuring, and pleasing him.  Besides, what good am I being nicer to strangers than I am to him?

I am also grateful for last weekend.  It being a long weekend allowed us to have a mini-getaway.  Isn’t this beautiful?  This is a view of Lake Tahoe from above.  I took this pic from the Heavenly gondolas up above.

 As much as I did not realize, this trip really allowed us to focus on each other and remember what is important.  Sometimes we are so busy going through the wringers of life that we forget to have some fun or pay attention to all the Blessings around us.  A few things I was reminded of were the fact that I have a best friend for a hubs… I can pretty much tell him anything and we have fun together.  His goofiness totally puts me at ease when I am sweating small stuff.  I love that I can be myself in all ways, and I mean ALL ways and he will still think of me as the cutest thing in the world.  I mean, what did I do to deserve such a great man?! 

I am also grateful for sunsets.  I think they are a great reminder that even with all that goes on in the world and in our lives, beauty exists.  I see God in sunsets.  I just love them.  They exude peace, joy and tranquility to me.   I took this photo on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe and in all honesty, the pic does not do it justice. 

I am grateful for the lack of hot flashes... this is not to mentione the ugly side of Estradiol - read wt gain...  It is kinda nice to be comfortable and sleep like a baby again.  I know this is short lived but I am grateful altogether. 

I don’t think I mentioned that we started seeing a therapist.  This I am grateful for!  We are still establishing rapport (seen her twice) but I feel that she has already been essential in helping us deal with a lot of things.  I am now able to look at hubs point of view in dealing with the throws of complicated-baby-making.  He is also able to see things from my point of view.  This I know because he has been working hard at meeting me from my place instead of asking me to shake it off and keep moving coz life is not fair.  Yes, you heard it... that is his way of dealing.  Instead of me looking at it like he does not care, I now know that this is just how he deals with tragic problems.  He has been through a few tragedies and has emerged strong and focused.  Our goal is to go in weekly, and I feel good about this one.  We should have done it sooner.  I think everyone should look into thisJ

September

September is upon us.  I had a great weekend to finish August off.  We spent the weekend at Lake Tahoe and it was just so beautiful!  There were a lot of kids and I found myself hoping to have a little one of my own too that I can take to our various travels.  We found ourselves talking about what we would let our child/ren do.  What a perfect place to take kids!

Despite that fact, we had a blast, which we always do.  We are good company to each other.  Apart from my supplement regimen, I did not obsess about my condition, which to me, is a success.  I seek to let go of that which I have no control over.  The only time we do not see eye to eye when it comes to getaways is that hubs is not a nightlife person.  When I am on vacation, I want to let loose and go all out, which includes dancing the night away or listening to music at a lounge.  He would rather go back to the room and “watch” each other or TV. 

One of the reasons I am glad to see September is that August kinda bombed on me… just like July.  No ovulation=no chance for baby, and that is what Aug meant to me.  I also turned a year older, so did hubs.  Is there a way to stop the clock while we deal with this monster called unconventional baby-making?

This is my second week on the estrogen pills and let me tell ya, I am feeling bloated and have gained 5 lbs. in one week.  I am at my heaviest weight and I am truly worried.  Is this supposed to happen with just high dose Estrogen?  Am I looking at more weight gain with the other meds?  That worries me.  At the risk of sounding vain; I would rather not be gaining a pound.  How can I deal with this?  I exercised each morning we were at Tahoe and intend to continue exercising.  I do feel heavy, bloated, occasional mild cramping, sore mammary glands (lol) and of course I feel so huge.  Am I even supposed to be exercising heavily at this time?  On the bright side, the hot flushes have completely abated... I mean, gone with no peeking behavior.  Something they did with the low dose patches.  

The goal is to get on Follistim if my ovaries respond to 1.5 mg/day of Estrogen.  I worry that this high dose of Estrogen will make me susceptible to breast cancer but I have to try.  I will not be the first nor the last to give this a try.  So God help me. 

As for my dear Hopie Hope, I love you before I have even met you, wherever you are... so does your handsone daddy!  We can't wait to meet you munchkin... 

"For I know the Plans I have for you, says the Lord".

Slow learner

I went in for my appointment yesterday.  This was CD14 post fake-flow.

I had been religiously temping and checking OPKs which is futile given it gives off positive vibes even when it should not be.  What a waste!  But, no, I keep doing it because it is dysfunctional and feeds my type A need to be in control.

I am used to the disappointments.  Of course despite it being CD 14, I have two lonely follies, one on each side.  One is 3mm and the other 2 mm; umm, why even bother?  Did all the potential babies slough off leaving me with tired lil follies? 

I expressed my concern to the RE.  I was unhappy about being in limbo and almost felt like she had given up on me.  She said that she understood my sentiment.  She did not want me wasting money on meds that will most likely not lead to anything.  My FSH was already higher that she pushes it with meds.  She said that studies have shown that POF cases were able to ovulate on meds just not get pregnant.  I told her that I wanted to try, whether it amounts to anything or not.  I believe the idea of a slim chance is better than nothing at this point.  Is this really true?  What happens to all the people with POF that have been successful?  Am I being naïve and stubborn? 

I was surprised when she said that she is open to try despite having done a lot of research that is not very optimistic for someone in my position.   I understand that most of these research institutions heavily rely on evidence based medicine, but I want to try anything and everything before giving up.  I want to give her another chance here (yes, I know... I am a very slow learner).

Hubs and I decided that we will give this one try prior to moving on to a different clinic.  He is concerned that the meds might mess with my already fragile body.  He is worried that stimulating follie production will push me further into the menopausal stage sooner that I have already made it.

Given my ovaries look like CD3 ovaries i.e. quite dormant, I can start with the high dose estradiol today.  I am truly hoping that this will suppress my very high FSH (45).  Please body, work with me here.  I have been so good to you, feeding you only healthy food, working you out, pleasing you with massages, nourishing you with TLC.  Please cooperate for once.  You have been such a bad girl but I still love you.  Time to love me back and show it!

Limbo

¹lim·bo

noun \ˈlim-(ˌ)bō\

plural limbos

Bottom of Form

Definition of LIMBO

1 often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism

2 a : a place or state of restraint or confinement

b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion <proposals kept in limbo>

c : an intermediate or transitional place or state

d : a state of uncertainty

Origin of LIMBO

Middle English, from Medieval Latin, abl. of limbus limbo, from Latin, border

First Known Use: 14th century

I am in a state of Limbo, not knowing what to do or how to proceed.  Definition 2a hits the nail on the head for me.  Not to be confused with the limbo dance in the pic..  I know most well-meaning people will wonder why the heck I cannot “just” move on.  I realize I have a dysfunctional way of looking at things.  Sometimes end up being inconvenienced in my attempt to avoid just that.  I do realize that we are currently in a baseless money-pit that will not get us anywhere.  I want to move on with the whole RE thing, not sure where to go that will be close to work so I do not have to take days off from work for one hour appointments. 

I am afraid that I will not ovulate this month either.  I am well aware that this is the nature of my diagnosis, just having difficulty with it all.  I am temping and using OPKs and the reality bites.  I tell myself that I will stop doing it but who am I kidding?  It is somewhat addictive and the only thing I have left that I can do sans the diet changes.

When I started acupuncture, I went with it like it was the holy grail of all fertility problems.  Now, I look at it as a way to keep me calm and grounded.  I am afraid I am losing faith in it but continue to do it “just in case”.  Not to forget taking the aweful tasting herbs - which I could not begin to describe the amount of gas they are giving me! uuurgh!

I have also been depriving myself of all things pleasurable (at least in my eyes and mouth) such as sweets, coffee, wine, ice cream, etc. etc…  The other day I wanted a bite of Hubs Nutella covered toast and he reminded me that I was not supposed to eat that.  I told him that I thought that was crap because avoiding sugar, caffeine or wine will not increase my eggs.  Part of me wants to believe that if I do all these things, then I will be paid off for being a “good girl” and the payoff will be well worth it AKA a bundle of joy.  The other part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and let nature/fate take its course. 

Given I do not want to live in regret; I choose to be a good girl and follow everything I have heard or read about.  At least I would like to say I tried.  There is also something to be said about guilt and my Catholic school upbringingJ.  Since I would rather have a clear conscience… here is to no sugar, coffee, ice cream or wine!  POF will not steal my spirit though; I refuse to succumb to the misery that I almost drowned in.

I have a girl’s day out tomorrow.  Lunch and Spa day are just what I ordered!  I am looking forward to that.

Now, I need to get off the blogs and get to find an RE who might help me!

All things fake

Last week I had my fake AF and even after 46 days of waiting, I was not excited to see it coz it felt soo.... well.. fake!  I felt like I had passed an exam after cheating all the way.  I am worried that this is the new normal for me but what to do.  It's beyond my control and I have to keep reminding myself this much.

My body has really been doing a fantastic job at fooling me and messing with my head.  To add the icing on the fake flo cake, I had an LH surge (positive OPK) and temp drop on CD 5.  Then of course it was a neg after that.  Just lovely but poor hubs had to get on gross BD "just incase".  I mean, we both know that is one of those fake LH surges like we had in July but hope is something tough:)  I am scheduled to go in for an U/S next week but I am not too hopeful coz my RE does not want me on meds so the only option she is giving me at this point in unmedicated IUI or try naturally.  To me, this sounds like a complete waste of my time but I keep going back.

I need a better RE that is fighting for this cause, at least that is how I feel.  I like her proximity from my job coz then I can just walk there for an hour then come back to work without taking time off for the many appts.  Anyone know of a good RE in the Bay area?  I am in PA.

I have also been wondering about HRT.  I am on the patch and it is annoying and irritating on my skin to say the least.  I am thinking oral HRT would be better for me.  Anyone with better suggestions on what has worked for you?
 
This weekend was great hanging out with hubs all the way.  I had to shrug the girlfriends off and pay attention to my number one fan:)  We also did an outside professional photo shoot just cause:)  I hope the pics look good!  I love this man of mine:)

Memory Monday

I remember the days when I was so scared of getting pregnant and would literally freak out at the thought of it.  My focus in academia and doing things "the right way".

I remember my love for children from a young age... people would ask me to babysit coz I was just in love with little kids.  We got along great; I loved them, they loved me.

I remember the plans hubs and I made in regards to family; two children, maybe adopt one.

I remember the first time I had a pregnancy scare and my heart was literally in my mouth.  Now I know that when I do get preggers, my heart will be in my mouth from joy.

I remember being cautioned against teen pregnancy on a very regular basis by my mother..... this especially when she saw me flirting with boys.

I remember questioning whether I would like to have babies in the future, and whether I would be a good mother.  Now I know that I would love love love to be a mother and will try to be the best mother my munchkin will ever have.

  

Day 42

It is CD 42 and AF is nowhere in sight.  Even though I was forwarned about this, I feel blind sided.  I am taking the darn progest pills and I am not really sure what they are doing, if anything.  Cross that, they are def giving me the strangest dreams!  The last few days I have been having the wierdest of wierd dreams!  Including an encounter with a hermaphrodite.  No offense to them, but that was way wierd. 

Now that I am a year older (on the number count I have to give when someone asks me how old I am).  I trully feel/hear the clock clanging instead of ticking.  I know I am not that much older, but these issues make me feel like I am running out of time.  Silly, I know.  Do you ever feel that way too every time you celebrate your birthday?

Anyways, I am so Blessed beyond measures and I have been in a very grateful zone lately.  I talked to one of my close gfs who recently struggled with 2 miscarriages.  She, at the very young age of 43 got pregnant twice and so easily... unfortunately, was unable to sustain both of them.  I hope and pray that she succeeds in her journey to hold a new born daughter of her own.  I encouraged her with capital letters to seek help from an RE as opposed to her OBGYN who just loaded her up on Clomid.  I wondered why Clomid since her main issue was embies sticking.  Maybe some of you know this?

My bestie also offered her eggs if all else fails.  Thing is, we are of the same age.  I wonder how that works?  Has any of you ever thought of a close donor like that?  She prolly would have to freeze/save herself some first:)  She is in med school and not married yet.  I actually thought that would be kinda cool coz I just love her!  Not to forget she is beautiful and quite smart if I may say so.

Spoilt musings

This weekend was lovely!  I spent it getting spoilt by hubs.  He is such a darling... and it was all a surprise.  I woke up on Saturday thinking that I would be going to an art and wine festival then later go out with a good friend.  Little did I know that hubs had other plans, with my birthday coming up. 

He just asked me to dress up and be ready by 10 am and took me to a champaigne brunch cruise... very nice!  It was such a romantic time and I couldn't help thinking how lucky I am:)

In the afternoon, he asked that I change into something comfortable and took me to a prof soccer game (I had been asking that we go to a game and check it out).  This was too much fun and we had such a good spot!  We were literally sitting behind the sub players!  Top it off; our team won! 

I just felt really bad for my friend coz I had to stand her up for the day!  But she totally understood:)

On sunday, he asked to take me out for lunch.  Little did I know that he had called my friends and asked them to join us for lunch.  This is especially special since we moved away from my family and have only met a few people in the area.  Isn't he adorable?  So, I spent Sunday afternoon with friends, laughter and good food.  I love this man!

And the funnest part of it all... it was not really my birthday yet... that is tomorrow:)  I am officially a very spoilt girl!  

On other news, I still have not see the likes of AF... this being CD 37.  I have resigned to popping the progest pills and see where it takes me.  Let's hope for the ol lady Flo to show up in 12 days or so.  Aaah the joys!  I should mention that I decided to take a break from all the diet restrictions this weekend... I mean, who goes to a "champagne bruunch" and says no to endless mimosas?  Def not me!

I was also held under trigger to try out the various sweet things on the desert table:)  It is kosher to not pig out!  Now that I am back to reality...... same ol boring diet back in my life!

August already!!

I cannot believe it is August!  Where the heck did the year go?
I am apprehensive about this month because I turn 34!  This brings the worry that I will soon be considered of maternal advanced age thus a high risk pregnancy if in fact I do get pregnant.  Never would I have thought that this was an actual term but now I know it is.  I apparently will be high risk if I do not conceive after November since that would make me 35 by the time I give birth.  One more strike!  One step at a time though because I have to first get over the hurdle of getting preggers then worry about the rest......

July was a disappointing month; I did not ovulate and looks like I will have to induce a AF.  Bummers!  I hope my birthday month will be good me.  There is a comfort level that comes with seeing AF regularly.  It makes me feel like I still have a chance in the matter.  Without AF, things get tougher and harder to deal with.
So God help me.

Naked and Afraid

Hubs and I are onto the new show on discovery channel called naked and afraid.
At first glance, we were quite skeptical and thought, what a silly show.  But it has been keeping us glued to the tube (well, not the tube anymore but you get the gist).


At the risk of spoiler alerting... the show basically takes two total strangers who consider themselves survivor experts, strips them naked and drops them in a jungle (different ones around the world).  They are allowed one item only and are filmed for 21 days. 

The most attractive part of the show for me is the weight lost after 21 days.  Most people lose 25-40 lbs in that short time.. I know how unhealthy it is to starve for weight loss, n am ashamed to say that it is kind of attractive.  That is where it ends though.  I would need more than one item, including my clothes!

As for hubs, he is constantly saying how he would totally survive the 21 days since he loves nature and is always up for a challenge.  I think he would try it if the opportunity presented itself.  He has also said in passing that the weight loss is crazy wild.

We have also found it interesting that most men come in so strong and cocky, and it doesn't take them long to break down.  They get so irritable and short at their partner and are such a pain to deal with it.  It is the women who keep their cool and save the day mostly.  The guys also tend to make silly mistakes like drinking dirty water coz they are hungry and thirsty and cannot take it any more. 

Anyways, I am staying level headed today despite the fact that I am not naked but I am afraid of what the future holds!

Sadness..... Anger......Disappointment all in one big heap.

I am angry today... no, I am sad... O well, why sugar coat it, I am upset!

Last week ended in one disappointing heap!  I went in for the progesterone check on Friday morning per my RE's advice and learnt that based on the low level (0.49), I had def NOT ovulated and so the IUI was a burst!

I think I was too disappointed to be sad.  Or I had prepared myself for failure when I noted that my temps stayed low.  Or that hubs was as usual, the optimist who was here to tell me that we will just have to try again.  Not sure, but I made it out of it a-okay.  I enjoyed my weekend and even volunteered yesterday.

Come today, the RE wanted to check the follie growth (or lack there of), so, I headed there before work. 
I was in the exam room for about 20 minutes when a resident showed up alone and said that since the good ol doc was busy, she had instructed her to to come in and do my ultrasound.  She was a sweet lady and I tried to hide my extreme disappointment.

Really?  I just had a burst on my first ever IUI and the best you can do is send your prodigy to perform an US on me?  To top that, she was having difficulty seeing any follies, except for one 10 mm follie on my L. side.  I know this is TMI, but she must have thought she was riding a joystick in my v-jay jay... I even had to cringe, to which of course she apologized.  I could tell she was nervous and being that I have been a student before, I sensed that this was in over her head.

She then said that since she was having a hard time seeing any follies, she would go fetch the teacher who would have to do another US.  I just sat there waiting, feeling violated and upset for about 5 -10 minutes.  I couldn't help crying.  Seriously, there I was feeling very brushed aside and alone.  I hated my body for allowing me to be in this predicament in the first place.

She then came back and said that the teacher was busy and to come back on Thursday.   I told her I was upset and that I would not return on Thursday.  Poor girl... I again know it was not her fault, she was also put in a weird position by her teacher.  But I was crying and could not help myself.  She did ask what she could help with and ofcourse I said nothing.  I could tell she was at a loss for words.. oh boy...  I left the clinic feeling like a failure, a mess and a jerk all in one!

At this point, I just want to stop going in and trying naturally.  My only predicament is that I know this will not be a very smart decision.  I know I am speaking with my emotions, but how do I move on from here? 

I am still feeling a little mad about the whole thing today.  At the same time, I feel bad for the resident because she really did not do anything wrong.  I suppose for once, I did not want to be treated like a statistic. 
I just wanted the RE to come in and see me for the person that I am, that is struggling with these issues and had a very disappointing event happen. 
I wanted the RE to reassure me that despite the false positive and a waste of our hard earned money on a fake IUI, it will be fine, one of these days. 
I wanted a human connection from the person who has been seeing my hoo haa on a regular basis besides hubs. 
Unfortunately, it is just a job for her and I am just another patient in her long day!
Uh!
What to do?  What would you do if you were in my shoes?