September

September is upon us.  I had a great weekend to finish August off.  We spent the weekend at Lake Tahoe and it was just so beautiful!  There were a lot of kids and I found myself hoping to have a little one of my own too that I can take to our various travels.  We found ourselves talking about what we would let our child/ren do.  What a perfect place to take kids!

Despite that fact, we had a blast, which we always do.  We are good company to each other.  Apart from my supplement regimen, I did not obsess about my condition, which to me, is a success.  I seek to let go of that which I have no control over.  The only time we do not see eye to eye when it comes to getaways is that hubs is not a nightlife person.  When I am on vacation, I want to let loose and go all out, which includes dancing the night away or listening to music at a lounge.  He would rather go back to the room and “watch” each other or TV. 

One of the reasons I am glad to see September is that August kinda bombed on me… just like July.  No ovulation=no chance for baby, and that is what Aug meant to me.  I also turned a year older, so did hubs.  Is there a way to stop the clock while we deal with this monster called unconventional baby-making?

This is my second week on the estrogen pills and let me tell ya, I am feeling bloated and have gained 5 lbs. in one week.  I am at my heaviest weight and I am truly worried.  Is this supposed to happen with just high dose Estrogen?  Am I looking at more weight gain with the other meds?  That worries me.  At the risk of sounding vain; I would rather not be gaining a pound.  How can I deal with this?  I exercised each morning we were at Tahoe and intend to continue exercising.  I do feel heavy, bloated, occasional mild cramping, sore mammary glands (lol) and of course I feel so huge.  Am I even supposed to be exercising heavily at this time?  On the bright side, the hot flushes have completely abated... I mean, gone with no peeking behavior.  Something they did with the low dose patches.  

The goal is to get on Follistim if my ovaries respond to 1.5 mg/day of Estrogen.  I worry that this high dose of Estrogen will make me susceptible to breast cancer but I have to try.  I will not be the first nor the last to give this a try.  So God help me. 

As for my dear Hopie Hope, I love you before I have even met you, wherever you are... so does your handsone daddy!  We can't wait to meet you munchkin... 

"For I know the Plans I have for you, says the Lord".

Beautiful babies and wishes

This weekend, hubby's college bud, wife, and their adorable 9 month daughter visited.  Talk about heart shattering beautiful moments! 

I had to go look at our vacation photos to deal...  and so I posted some of them for good measure.

 

The lil munchkin was the happiest baby I have ever seen, and she was crazy about me!  She wanted to play with me and kept crawling my way even when I was in the kitchen cooking.  well, maybe coz I was enamored by her beauty and the fact that she was the epitome of what I could literally die for right now.  Oh, my.  What I would do for a baby! 

I think the mom might have gotten scared at how attached we were to her daughter, we even told them she was so cute we could steal her!  I used to say that in a joking manner before my predicament.  Now I am not sure whether this is a joke, or if given the opportunity, I would steal her and love her with every ounce of my blood!  Yeah, I know you think I am nuts... and maybe I am.

Munchkin's mother told me of her grueling birth story.  After a fairly seamless pregnancy, she almost died during the birthing process.  This prompted in emergency C-section and a 10 day stay at the hospital due to hemorrhaging.  She also suffered major wound dehiscing which meant wound vacs on her incision and home care for dressing changes.  While she was at the hospital for 10 days, her baby was discharged with daddy and grandma.  Having been on tons of opiates for the pain, she could not breast feed the baby.  She is sad that she did not get the true bonding with her baby in the first week of her life, as well as through breast feeding.  

I truly empathised with this mother and felt her pain.  But deep down within me, I remember thinking, if that was the sacrifice of having a baby, I will take it in a heartbeat and even ask for 10 more days at the hospital battling other crazies.  Yeah, I know that sounds straight up coo coo.... but that is exactly how I felt.  I think at this point, I feel like I could volunteer to fight in the worst war, bear life threatening illnesses, anything, as long as the end result is a healthy, happy baby.

However painful this was for me, it also helped me realize that I would do okay with adoption.  I think I could truly adopt a child and love them just as much!  Maybe this is the silver lining... I don't know.  But I have to figure out a way out of this miserable feeling that constantly haunts my inner being.  The yucky thought and feeling of inadequacy since I am half- a- woman.  Okay, so rationally I know I am all woman and have a lot to offer, but the fact that I have been told that I cannot have the one thing I knew I would have makes me feel this way.