Monday, July 22, 2013

Sadness..... Anger......Disappointment all in one big heap.

I am angry today... no, I am sad... O well, why sugar coat it, I am upset!

Last week ended in one disappointing heap!  I went in for the progesterone check on Friday morning per my RE's advice and learnt that based on the low level (0.49), I had def NOT ovulated and so the IUI was a burst!

I think I was too disappointed to be sad.  Or I had prepared myself for failure when I noted that my temps stayed low.  Or that hubs was as usual, the optimist who was here to tell me that we will just have to try again.  Not sure, but I made it out of it a-okay.  I enjoyed my weekend and even volunteered yesterday.

Come today, the RE wanted to check the follie growth (or lack there of), so, I headed there before work. 
I was in the exam room for about 20 minutes when a resident showed up alone and said that since the good ol doc was busy, she had instructed her to to come in and do my ultrasound.  She was a sweet lady and I tried to hide my extreme disappointment.

Really?  I just had a burst on my first ever IUI and the best you can do is send your prodigy to perform an US on me?  To top that, she was having difficulty seeing any follies, except for one 10 mm follie on my L. side.  I know this is TMI, but she must have thought she was riding a joystick in my v-jay jay... I even had to cringe, to which of course she apologized.  I could tell she was nervous and being that I have been a student before, I sensed that this was in over her head.

She then said that since she was having a hard time seeing any follies, she would go fetch the teacher who would have to do another US.  I just sat there waiting, feeling violated and upset for about 5 -10 minutes.  I couldn't help crying.  Seriously, there I was feeling very brushed aside and alone.  I hated my body for allowing me to be in this predicament in the first place.

She then came back and said that the teacher was busy and to come back on Thursday.   I told her I was upset and that I would not return on Thursday.  Poor girl... I again know it was not her fault, she was also put in a weird position by her teacher.  But I was crying and could not help myself.  She did ask what she could help with and ofcourse I said nothing.  I could tell she was at a loss for words.. oh boy...  I left the clinic feeling like a failure, a mess and a jerk all in one!

At this point, I just want to stop going in and trying naturally.  My only predicament is that I know this will not be a very smart decision.  I know I am speaking with my emotions, but how do I move on from here? 

I am still feeling a little mad about the whole thing today.  At the same time, I feel bad for the resident because she really did not do anything wrong.  I suppose for once, I did not want to be treated like a statistic. 
I just wanted the RE to come in and see me for the person that I am, that is struggling with these issues and had a very disappointing event happen. 
I wanted the RE to reassure me that despite the false positive and a waste of our hard earned money on a fake IUI, it will be fine, one of these days. 
I wanted a human connection from the person who has been seeing my hoo haa on a regular basis besides hubs. 
Unfortunately, it is just a job for her and I am just another patient in her long day!
What to do?  What would you do if you were in my shoes?


  1. That sounds perfectly awful! I can see how the particular individuals (RE, resident) didn't exactly do anything wrong but at the same time the whole situation was wrong, and I totally see how you were upset.

    I wonder to what extent the residents are knowledgeable about IF and what women go through. One would assume they are, but I wonder. I had an experience with a resident where we were going over test results, and she gave me one interpretation (which she seemed very hesitant about) and then the doctor came in and basically overturned everything she said (at least that was how I heard it.) It was pretty confusing for me and I have no idea how she felt?? but I wonder if they understand the emotional tone of the appointment and if they are being trained to take that into consideration.

    I honestly don't know what I would do next in your shoes, but I think it is important to see the RE and make sure he discusses your questions and concerns with you. Again sorry you had such a crappy day.

    1. Thank you for putting things into perspective. I know deep within me that the smartest thing for me to do is to have a conversation with the RE. If I can get a hold of her:)

  2. Hello from ICLW - sorry about your first IUI! :(

  3. I am sorry about the IUI. Could they give you an hcg shot next time to make sure you ovulate?

    1. Thanks! I am not sure whether they can if the follicles are still pretty small? I will mention it since I still haven't ovulated.

  4. Wow, I don't even know what to say about the way you were treated by the RE except I'm sorry for you!!

    I really like the name you're using. I have a bear I made at Build-a-Bear named Hope because then when I don't have hope for myself, I still have Hope. Also, Bear and I have talked about using it for a middle name if we're ever able to have a baby and end up with a girl.

    1. Thanks... Hubs and I have talked about using that name if it is a girl and I think it will stick. I can't imagine or think of a different name coz this surely is a journey of faith. Just my thought.

  5. Wow that treatment would frustrate me to no end. i mean... for a teaching facility, I guess it's hard to avoid having a resident. But it's the lack of respect that gets me. If the "teacher" is truly trying to "teach", she should have been there with the resident rather than letting her navigate uncharted territory without being there to guide her through. I hope that things get better in the next appointment after you voice your concerns and disappointment. Hoping for you for a successful cycle the next round.

    1. Thanks! That is exactly what I was expecting, and yet again, my expectations put me in trouble:)
      I hope and pray for an actual ovulation!