Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Slow learner

I went in for my appointment yesterday.  This was CD14 post fake-flow.

I had been religiously temping and checking OPKs which is futile given it gives off positive vibes even when it should not be.  What a waste!  But, no, I keep doing it because it is dysfunctional and feeds my type A need to be in control.
I am used to the disappointments.  Of course despite it being CD 14, I have two lonely follies, one on each side.  One is 3mm and the other 2 mm; umm, why even bother?  Did all the potential babies slough off leaving me with tired lil follies? 
I expressed my concern to the RE.  I was unhappy about being in limbo and almost felt like she had given up on me.  She said that she understood my sentiment.  She did not want me wasting money on meds that will most likely not lead to anything.  My FSH was already higher that she pushes it with meds.  She said that studies have shown that POF cases were able to ovulate on meds just not get pregnant.  I told her that I wanted to try, whether it amounts to anything or not.  I believe the idea of a slim chance is better than nothing at this point.  Is this really true?  What happens to all the people with POF that have been successful?  Am I being naïve and stubborn? 
I was surprised when she said that she is open to try despite having done a lot of research that is not very optimistic for someone in my position.   I understand that most of these research institutions heavily rely on evidence based medicine, but I want to try anything and everything before giving up.  I want to give her another chance here (yes, I know... I am a very slow learner).
Hubs and I decided that we will give this one try prior to moving on to a different clinic.  He is concerned that the meds might mess with my already fragile body.  He is worried that stimulating follie production will push me further into the menopausal stage sooner that I have already made it.
Given my ovaries look like CD3 ovaries i.e. quite dormant, I can start with the high dose estradiol today.  I am truly hoping that this will suppress my very high FSH (45).  Please body, work with me here.  I have been so good to you, feeding you only healthy food, working you out, pleasing you with massages, nourishing you with TLC.  Please cooperate for once.  You have been such a bad girl but I still love you.  Time to love me back and show it!