Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Life with POI

If I did not know any better, I would for the umpteenth time, think I was preggers.  This, like most people struggling with infertility, is the order of the two weeks after ovulation... aah the joys!  not!

The hot flashes are back today!  I hate them with all my being because they remind me of my ovarian failure, insufficiency, inadequacy, shortcomings... all that and more.  They woke me up at around 4 am today and it was on and off from then.  This morning on my way to work, I felt like I was on fire.. Maybe it is about time I bite the bullet and take the estrogen.  I just wonder whether I will take it concurrently with the herbs... always confused!

I have nausea that is making me feel like crap.  As time progresses, I notice that I get nausea on the week AF shows her face.  I just think that is hella unfair because it makes me think I am preggers every time without fail..  Seriously, that is the world's way of fucking with my brain and I loath it!  I also have a light headache and a feeling of fogginess.  Well of course the fogginess could be part of the hormonal imbalance or PMS.  Who the heck knows anymore.  My breasts are a tad engorged but sometimes I wonder whether I am reading into everything..  This whole self awareness is not healthy coz then you sit there listening to every symptom your body might have:)  A little twinge here, a pang there... they all come with a lot of reading into.  It could totally be unrelated but it all means something related to nothing... I want to stop with the madness but how can I?

I have some cramps... last night while asleep, I felt a pang on my right side.  Of course all sorts of things in my head popped up while asleep... like ectopic and crap like that...  Then this morning it is just mild cramping in a general sense.  I don't want to test, but I find myself doing it "just in case".  And of course it is a BFN which floors my heart.

I should mention that things are not exactly harmonious in the home front.  Hubby and I have been at loggerheads for petty issues.  I know I should not dare bring my condition into this, but it drives me into the poor me auto.  I feel unsupported, like I am battling this on my own, like he does not really care.  Rationally, I know this is not necessarily true, but emotionally, I feel very alone.  At this point, he is busy with managing our investment property, trying to find a tenant which has been difficult.  He seems so immersed in that, that I don't think he thinks of anything else, aside from his work. We have not been talking about anything else aside from work, finding a house, finding a tenant.... all business, nothing personal.  At this point, I don't even think I want to talk about anything personal with him coz I hate it when I get all emotional and instead of getting my point across, I cry and cry... and sulk in the end of it all.  I have been down about things and I just don't feel strong to tackle difficult conversations. 

Hubs is a great guy in so many ways I could lose count.  But I don't feel that he is good at the emotional mushy stuff which is fine for the most part.  He also sucks at apologizing which drives me absolutely bonkers!  Speaking of the mushy, the way he handles this whole POI stuff is by saying that we will deal with it as it comes.  No emotions attached to it, nothing.  He says that he believes we will have a baby at some point, but is we don't, then that's that.  I have asked him severally on how he feels about it all and his response is; "well, we will just have to work on it until we cannot do it anymore".  "In my life, nothing comes easy, so I am ready to do the work".  He then goes ahead to let me know that I panic easy and there is no need for that.  He says that I tend to over think and throw myself into a tizzy.  Well sir, last I looked, the POI diagnosis is not a walk in the park!

I am kinda resentful about that, not that I would want him to have the same level of response like I do.  But I would want him to be more thoughtful before saying things like "I am overreacting".  That is the problem with having expectations....  I do not want to have any expectations, I should just take him as he is.  I don't know how to go about it anymore but to hold things in or blog them really.  I am thankful for this coz it lets me get things out of my chest. 

The whole resentment thing is my problem really.  It only messes with my heart and emotions, not his.  So I have to work around that. Oh dear!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Beautiful babies and wishes

This weekend, hubby's college bud, wife, and their adorable 9 month daughter visited.  Talk about heart shattering beautiful moments! 

I had to go look at our vacation photos to deal...  and so I posted some of them for good measure.


The lil munchkin was the happiest baby I have ever seen, and she was crazy about me!  She wanted to play with me and kept crawling my way even when I was in the kitchen cooking.  well, maybe coz I was enamored by her beauty and the fact that she was the epitome of what I could literally die for right now.  Oh, my.  What I would do for a baby! 

I think the mom might have gotten scared at how attached we were to her daughter, we even told them she was so cute we could steal her!  I used to say that in a joking manner before my predicament.  Now I am not sure whether this is a joke, or if given the opportunity, I would steal her and love her with every ounce of my blood!  Yeah, I know you think I am nuts... and maybe I am.

Munchkin's mother told me of her grueling birth story.  After a fairly seamless pregnancy, she almost died during the birthing process.  This prompted in emergency C-section and a 10 day stay at the hospital due to hemorrhaging.  She also suffered major wound dehiscing which meant wound vacs on her incision and home care for dressing changes.  While she was at the hospital for 10 days, her baby was discharged with daddy and grandma.  Having been on tons of opiates for the pain, she could not breast feed the baby.  She is sad that she did not get the true bonding with her baby in the first week of her life, as well as through breast feeding.  

I truly empathised with this mother and felt her pain.  But deep down within me, I remember thinking, if that was the sacrifice of having a baby, I will take it in a heartbeat and even ask for 10 more days at the hospital battling other crazies.  Yeah, I know that sounds straight up coo coo.... but that is exactly how I felt.  I think at this point, I feel like I could volunteer to fight in the worst war, bear life threatening illnesses, anything, as long as the end result is a healthy, happy baby.

However painful this was for me, it also helped me realize that I would do okay with adoption.  I think I could truly adopt a child and love them just as much!  Maybe this is the silver lining... I don't know.  But I have to figure out a way out of this miserable feeling that constantly haunts my inner being.  The yucky thought and feeling of inadequacy since I am half- a- woman.  Okay, so rationally I know I am all woman and have a lot to offer, but the fact that I have been told that I cannot have the one thing I knew I would have makes me feel this way. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Changes... challenges.....Vacation..... challenges

Hope, where at thou?
I have recently been losing faith.  I so want to keep it right now.  I want to believe that a lot of people deal with my situation and beat it.  I want to believe that I am one of those people.  A little voice in me keeps that going but lately, the devilish voice that tells me I will never have a baby keeps getting louder.

I decided to change acupuncturist because I wanted to try herbs and my last one did not offer any.  He also did not have a goal or end in sight.  This did not give me a good feeling.  I am now seeing a lady who is giving me herbs and does things differently.  She has mentioned several times that she is preparing me for whatever I decide to do in future... be it DE or IVF.  She does not give me hope that I can beat my odds naturally.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  I have been questioning my decision to go there... ugh!  I see lots of pictures and brochures that refer to prenatal care which makes me question her hx and success with people with POF.  Maybe she deals with prenatal shit and not infertility... the doubts are consuming me.  Her frequent mention of DE or IVF makes my stomach churn.  Not that I am against either, but because I would have wanted her to want to try naturally first before jumping the gun.  It is almost as if she has no hope in me.  Something the last one did.  She also keeps asking me whether I do not have PCOS.... no good lady, I don't.  I do not have multiple follicles, My FSH is sky high, my AMH is non-existent... please do your homework.  This is so sad especially because she is spunky and easy to engage.  uurgh!  What to do!  In my vacay excitement fugue, I paid for 10 sessions... I kinda feel stuck for a few months :(

I decided to change acupuncturists right before my vacation.  Well needed vacation.  I started Chinese herbs a week before my vacation.  AF was visiting that week and I was hoping to God things would slow down before vacay.  The destination was Jamaica, so I needed to be ready for the sun, the pools, the beach, the ocean.... anything tropical and Caribbean basically.  AF was not one of them!  Needless to say, AF did go back to hibernation the day of my trip.  I was regular with the herbs for the entirety of my trip.

Vacation was fun!  I felt spoilt rotten, broke all the rules that an infertile should follow...I drank alcohol from morning to morning, ate everything including sugar, processed foods, you name it, I ate it.  Only thing good thing I did for myself was relax!  No stress maan!  I was not gonna think of this looming infertility crap.  I was there to have fun and that is exactly what I did; not ashamed about it either.  I think the worst part about coming back from vacation is everyone sking whether I got knocked up!  I should mention that I am not out with my diagnosis. 

Upon my return, I had an appt with my RE who surprised me during my US with the news that I had already ovulated.  She ordered labs to confirm.
Lining: 6 mm
Antral Follicle count: 2 on left side (one 12mm and the other 4mm)
What?  I have long cycles, how can I have ovulated?  I had had two negative OPKs two days after my return!  Yikes... this means I did not time my ovulation coz I was sure as hell it would happen the week we returned..  Estradiol 68, Progesterone 6.3; yes maam, you have already ovulated. 
Just my luck!  I hate to depend on that ovulation with the life of me!  I am pissed at my body for rebelling against it's owner.  I hope that all the drinking and poor diet will not be my downfall.  In all honesty, I don't even think I had a chance to begin with because my 2nd day cycle check, the antral follicle count had been 1 (R. side).... yap... just one lonely lil tumble weed.  It was no longer visible. 

I wonder whether the herbs messed with me, but the new accu lady in an around kinda way said that this could not be the case.  I am not convinced.

Now, I know a lot of people with POF do not even ovulate, so I should be grateful that I still do.  I am just confused about a lot of things right now.

All I know with certainty, is that I want a bundle of joy to light up our hearts and home, and that is, like 1 in 8 women, proving harder by the minute.