Friday, August 23, 2013

Limbo


1lim·bo
noun \ˈlim-(ˌ)bō\
plural limbos
Bottom of Form
Definition of LIMBO
1 often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism
2 a : a place or state of restraint or confinement
b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion <proposals kept in limbo>
c : an intermediate or transitional place or state
d : a state of uncertainty
Origin of LIMBO
Middle English, from Medieval Latin, abl. of limbus limbo, from Latin, border
First Known Use: 14th century
I am in a state of Limbo, not knowing what to do or how to proceed.  Definition 2a hits the nail on the head for me.  Not to be confused with the limbo dance in the pic..  I know most well-meaning people will wonder why the heck I cannot “just” move on.  I realize I have a dysfunctional way of looking at things.  Sometimes end up being inconvenienced in my attempt to avoid just that.  I do realize that we are currently in a baseless money-pit that will not get us anywhere.  I want to move on with the whole RE thing, not sure where to go that will be close to work so I do not have to take days off from work for one hour appointments. 
I am afraid that I will not ovulate this month either.  I am well aware that this is the nature of my diagnosis, just having difficulty with it all.  I am temping and using OPKs and the reality bites.  I tell myself that I will stop doing it but who am I kidding?  It is somewhat addictive and the only thing I have left that I can do sans the diet changes.
When I started acupuncture, I went with it like it was the holy grail of all fertility problems.  Now, I look at it as a way to keep me calm and grounded.  I am afraid I am losing faith in it but continue to do it “just in case”.  Not to forget taking the aweful tasting herbs - which I could not begin to describe the amount of gas they are giving me! uuurgh!
I have also been depriving myself of all things pleasurable (at least in my eyes and mouth) such as sweets, coffee, wine, ice cream, etc. etc…  The other day I wanted a bite of Hubs Nutella covered toast and he reminded me that I was not supposed to eat that.  I told him that I thought that was crap because avoiding sugar, caffeine or wine will not increase my eggs.  Part of me wants to believe that if I do all these things, then I will be paid off for being a “good girl” and the payoff will be well worth it AKA a bundle of joy.  The other part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and let nature/fate take its course. 
Given I do not want to live in regret; I choose to be a good girl and follow everything I have heard or read about.  At least I would like to say I tried.  There is also something to be said about guilt and my Catholic school upbringingJ.  Since I would rather have a clear conscience… here is to no sugar, coffee, ice cream or wine!  POF will not steal my spirit though; I refuse to succumb to the misery that I almost drowned in.
I have a girl’s day out tomorrow.  Lunch and Spa day are just what I ordered!  I am looking forward to that.
Now, I need to get off the blogs and get to find an RE who might help me!

14 comments:

  1. Girls day out sounds wonderful, enjoy!

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  2. Have you considered using one of the "high profile" clinics to manage your care and your local, close clinic to do your monitoring? Just a random thought.

    Enjoy your girls day.

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    1. Thanks, do you of any in the west coast? Or specific ones that you are referring to?

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  3. Everyone feels like they're in limbo at some point or another in their lives. Sometimes you have to get out of that rut on your own to get moving again!

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    1. Thanks! I am moving forward however slowly....

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  4. Hello from ICLW. I'm sorry you feel like you're spinning your wheels. I think it's something everyone feels at one point or another when on an IF journey, although usually for totally different reasons. I hope you are able to find another clinic option.

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    1. Thanks! I am thinking of going to one that is on the other side of the state... not sure how that will work out.

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  5. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this state... there's nothing worse on the infertility journey than the waiting, waiting, waiting. I hope you're able to move forward soon...

    From ICLW...

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    1. Thank you! We are moving forward albeit with the same RE (yes... I know!)

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  6. I think there is a lot to be said to be able to do what you can. So many other things are out of your control. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a way forward out of the limbo soon.

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    1. Thanks Lisa!
      Yup.. the whole no control thing really messes with my head. I am headed out of the limbo... unless i want to dance it:)

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  7. I loved this post and can relate to so much about it. I'm reminded of what my counselor told me... We all need to feel in control in our lives. It's actually healthy. And so controlling what you CAN control (for you, diet, acupuncture, not living with regrets) is a great way to
    Get some power back that IF has taken from you.

    It's so hard to be in limbo. To live in the present , when you don't know if you'll ever acheive whaT you are working so hard for now.

    Fingers crossed for you.

    From a fellow iclw with ovarian insufficiency...

    Rachel

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    1. Thanks Rachel,
      I am glad to hear that all these emotions/feelings/call them whatever are so normal and part of the process. I am working on letting go (actively!) and of course hoping for the very best:) Best wished to you too.

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