Limbo

¹lim·bo

noun \ˈlim-(ˌ)bō\

plural limbos

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Definition of LIMBO

1 often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism

2 a : a place or state of restraint or confinement

b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion <proposals kept in limbo>

c : an intermediate or transitional place or state

d : a state of uncertainty

Origin of LIMBO

Middle English, from Medieval Latin, abl. of limbus limbo, from Latin, border

First Known Use: 14th century

I am in a state of Limbo, not knowing what to do or how to proceed.  Definition 2a hits the nail on the head for me.  Not to be confused with the limbo dance in the pic..  I know most well-meaning people will wonder why the heck I cannot “just” move on.  I realize I have a dysfunctional way of looking at things.  Sometimes end up being inconvenienced in my attempt to avoid just that.  I do realize that we are currently in a baseless money-pit that will not get us anywhere.  I want to move on with the whole RE thing, not sure where to go that will be close to work so I do not have to take days off from work for one hour appointments. 

I am afraid that I will not ovulate this month either.  I am well aware that this is the nature of my diagnosis, just having difficulty with it all.  I am temping and using OPKs and the reality bites.  I tell myself that I will stop doing it but who am I kidding?  It is somewhat addictive and the only thing I have left that I can do sans the diet changes.

When I started acupuncture, I went with it like it was the holy grail of all fertility problems.  Now, I look at it as a way to keep me calm and grounded.  I am afraid I am losing faith in it but continue to do it “just in case”.  Not to forget taking the aweful tasting herbs - which I could not begin to describe the amount of gas they are giving me! uuurgh!

I have also been depriving myself of all things pleasurable (at least in my eyes and mouth) such as sweets, coffee, wine, ice cream, etc. etc…  The other day I wanted a bite of Hubs Nutella covered toast and he reminded me that I was not supposed to eat that.  I told him that I thought that was crap because avoiding sugar, caffeine or wine will not increase my eggs.  Part of me wants to believe that if I do all these things, then I will be paid off for being a “good girl” and the payoff will be well worth it AKA a bundle of joy.  The other part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and let nature/fate take its course. 

Given I do not want to live in regret; I choose to be a good girl and follow everything I have heard or read about.  At least I would like to say I tried.  There is also something to be said about guilt and my Catholic school upbringingJ.  Since I would rather have a clear conscience… here is to no sugar, coffee, ice cream or wine!  POF will not steal my spirit though; I refuse to succumb to the misery that I almost drowned in.

I have a girl’s day out tomorrow.  Lunch and Spa day are just what I ordered!  I am looking forward to that.

Now, I need to get off the blogs and get to find an RE who might help me!