Day 42

It is CD 42 and AF is nowhere in sight.  Even though I was forwarned about this, I feel blind sided.  I am taking the darn progest pills and I am not really sure what they are doing, if anything.  Cross that, they are def giving me the strangest dreams!  The last few days I have been having the wierdest of wierd dreams!  Including an encounter with a hermaphrodite.  No offense to them, but that was way wierd. 

Now that I am a year older (on the number count I have to give when someone asks me how old I am).  I trully feel/hear the clock clanging instead of ticking.  I know I am not that much older, but these issues make me feel like I am running out of time.  Silly, I know.  Do you ever feel that way too every time you celebrate your birthday?

Anyways, I am so Blessed beyond measures and I have been in a very grateful zone lately.  I talked to one of my close gfs who recently struggled with 2 miscarriages.  She, at the very young age of 43 got pregnant twice and so easily... unfortunately, was unable to sustain both of them.  I hope and pray that she succeeds in her journey to hold a new born daughter of her own.  I encouraged her with capital letters to seek help from an RE as opposed to her OBGYN who just loaded her up on Clomid.  I wondered why Clomid since her main issue was embies sticking.  Maybe some of you know this?

My bestie also offered her eggs if all else fails.  Thing is, we are of the same age.  I wonder how that works?  Has any of you ever thought of a close donor like that?  She prolly would have to freeze/save herself some first:)  She is in med school and not married yet.  I actually thought that would be kinda cool coz I just love her!  Not to forget she is beautiful and quite smart if I may say so.

Spoilt musings

This weekend was lovely!  I spent it getting spoilt by hubs.  He is such a darling... and it was all a surprise.  I woke up on Saturday thinking that I would be going to an art and wine festival then later go out with a good friend.  Little did I know that hubs had other plans, with my birthday coming up. 

He just asked me to dress up and be ready by 10 am and took me to a champaigne brunch cruise... very nice!  It was such a romantic time and I couldn't help thinking how lucky I am:)

In the afternoon, he asked that I change into something comfortable and took me to a prof soccer game (I had been asking that we go to a game and check it out).  This was too much fun and we had such a good spot!  We were literally sitting behind the sub players!  Top it off; our team won! 

I just felt really bad for my friend coz I had to stand her up for the day!  But she totally understood:)

On sunday, he asked to take me out for lunch.  Little did I know that he had called my friends and asked them to join us for lunch.  This is especially special since we moved away from my family and have only met a few people in the area.  Isn't he adorable?  So, I spent Sunday afternoon with friends, laughter and good food.  I love this man!

And the funnest part of it all... it was not really my birthday yet... that is tomorrow:)  I am officially a very spoilt girl!  

On other news, I still have not see the likes of AF... this being CD 37.  I have resigned to popping the progest pills and see where it takes me.  Let's hope for the ol lady Flo to show up in 12 days or so.  Aaah the joys!  I should mention that I decided to take a break from all the diet restrictions this weekend... I mean, who goes to a "champagne bruunch" and says no to endless mimosas?  Def not me!

I was also held under trigger to try out the various sweet things on the desert table:)  It is kosher to not pig out!  Now that I am back to reality...... same ol boring diet back in my life!

August already!!

I cannot believe it is August!  Where the heck did the year go?
I am apprehensive about this month because I turn 34!  This brings the worry that I will soon be considered of maternal advanced age thus a high risk pregnancy if in fact I do get pregnant.  Never would I have thought that this was an actual term but now I know it is.  I apparently will be high risk if I do not conceive after November since that would make me 35 by the time I give birth.  One more strike!  One step at a time though because I have to first get over the hurdle of getting preggers then worry about the rest......

July was a disappointing month; I did not ovulate and looks like I will have to induce a AF.  Bummers!  I hope my birthday month will be good me.  There is a comfort level that comes with seeing AF regularly.  It makes me feel like I still have a chance in the matter.  Without AF, things get tougher and harder to deal with.
So God help me.

Naked and Afraid

Hubs and I are onto the new show on discovery channel called naked and afraid.
At first glance, we were quite skeptical and thought, what a silly show.  But it has been keeping us glued to the tube (well, not the tube anymore but you get the gist).


At the risk of spoiler alerting... the show basically takes two total strangers who consider themselves survivor experts, strips them naked and drops them in a jungle (different ones around the world).  They are allowed one item only and are filmed for 21 days. 

The most attractive part of the show for me is the weight lost after 21 days.  Most people lose 25-40 lbs in that short time.. I know how unhealthy it is to starve for weight loss, n am ashamed to say that it is kind of attractive.  That is where it ends though.  I would need more than one item, including my clothes!

As for hubs, he is constantly saying how he would totally survive the 21 days since he loves nature and is always up for a challenge.  I think he would try it if the opportunity presented itself.  He has also said in passing that the weight loss is crazy wild.

We have also found it interesting that most men come in so strong and cocky, and it doesn't take them long to break down.  They get so irritable and short at their partner and are such a pain to deal with it.  It is the women who keep their cool and save the day mostly.  The guys also tend to make silly mistakes like drinking dirty water coz they are hungry and thirsty and cannot take it any more. 

Anyways, I am staying level headed today despite the fact that I am not naked but I am afraid of what the future holds!

Sadness..... Anger......Disappointment all in one big heap.

I am angry today... no, I am sad... O well, why sugar coat it, I am upset!

Last week ended in one disappointing heap!  I went in for the progesterone check on Friday morning per my RE's advice and learnt that based on the low level (0.49), I had def NOT ovulated and so the IUI was a burst!

I think I was too disappointed to be sad.  Or I had prepared myself for failure when I noted that my temps stayed low.  Or that hubs was as usual, the optimist who was here to tell me that we will just have to try again.  Not sure, but I made it out of it a-okay.  I enjoyed my weekend and even volunteered yesterday.

Come today, the RE wanted to check the follie growth (or lack there of), so, I headed there before work. 
I was in the exam room for about 20 minutes when a resident showed up alone and said that since the good ol doc was busy, she had instructed her to to come in and do my ultrasound.  She was a sweet lady and I tried to hide my extreme disappointment.

Really?  I just had a burst on my first ever IUI and the best you can do is send your prodigy to perform an US on me?  To top that, she was having difficulty seeing any follies, except for one 10 mm follie on my L. side.  I know this is TMI, but she must have thought she was riding a joystick in my v-jay jay... I even had to cringe, to which of course she apologized.  I could tell she was nervous and being that I have been a student before, I sensed that this was in over her head.

She then said that since she was having a hard time seeing any follies, she would go fetch the teacher who would have to do another US.  I just sat there waiting, feeling violated and upset for about 5 -10 minutes.  I couldn't help crying.  Seriously, there I was feeling very brushed aside and alone.  I hated my body for allowing me to be in this predicament in the first place.

She then came back and said that the teacher was busy and to come back on Thursday.   I told her I was upset and that I would not return on Thursday.  Poor girl... I again know it was not her fault, she was also put in a weird position by her teacher.  But I was crying and could not help myself.  She did ask what she could help with and ofcourse I said nothing.  I could tell she was at a loss for words.. oh boy...  I left the clinic feeling like a failure, a mess and a jerk all in one!

At this point, I just want to stop going in and trying naturally.  My only predicament is that I know this will not be a very smart decision.  I know I am speaking with my emotions, but how do I move on from here? 

I am still feeling a little mad about the whole thing today.  At the same time, I feel bad for the resident because she really did not do anything wrong.  I suppose for once, I did not want to be treated like a statistic. 
I just wanted the RE to come in and see me for the person that I am, that is struggling with these issues and had a very disappointing event happen. 
I wanted the RE to reassure me that despite the false positive and a waste of our hard earned money on a fake IUI, it will be fine, one of these days. 
I wanted a human connection from the person who has been seeing my hoo haa on a regular basis besides hubs. 
Unfortunately, it is just a job for her and I am just another patient in her long day!
Uh!
What to do?  What would you do if you were in my shoes?

IUI #1

I had the LH surge yesterday, which of course meant calling my RE to see whether she can see me ASAP.  Thankfully, she was able to see me this morning.  A few small follies on both sides, lining 8 mm (from 4mm last week), and  fluid in left ovary.  She also asked that hubs donate his offspring early this morning so that it can get washed.  Things looked good on his end (as always).

Unfortunately, she was not able to catch "THE" follicle if there ever was any.  Although my lining had improved, it would be hard to tell for sure with me being on the Estrogen patch.  This meant that;

a)  I ovulated sometime last night given she could not see any follicle but could see fluid in the L. ovary; meaning the follicle had ruptured.

b)  I did not ovulate, the surge was another false positive and the lining was just thick d/t recent boost from the patch.  In this case, no particular explanation for the fluid in the L. ovary.

She gave me a 60% chance that I ovulated.  Sounds like the weatherman predicting rain or shine when they have ablsolutely no clue of either or, but to hubs and I, this was high enough to give IUI a chance.   She said that she would do the same were she in our shoes.  We decided to go ahead and do the first IUI today.

I guess I can say that I am lucky coz I did not have to take stim medication d/t my high FSH and the fact that I am still ovulating pretty regularly (that is if infact I did ovulate). I would be a poor responder anyways.  So, I did not have to poke  and prod myself or subject hubs to the trauma of poking me.  He is seriously afraid of needles which I think is so funny.  Bear in mind that this is the same guy who can take just about anything,.... a truly manly man...lol

I thought that getting IUI would make me so anxious and worried every single second.... but in all honesty, it put me at a peace I never thought I would have.  Although this puts me into the 2 week wait category, I am not anxious or worried.  I am ready for IUI #2 if that is what it boils down to.  I have to stay positive.  I have to let go of my sense of control.

I think my attending the resolve meeting last night really made a difference for me.  I talked to the ladies who were very candid about their lives, and how they have learnt to deal with the situation by letting go!  I need this like I need a baby.  Just letting go and for me, letting God!  He is the one who knows what my plan is.

They also mentioned how it is important to live this life... this beautiful life.  Something I have not been doing lately given my obsession with all things infertility and POF.  On my way home, I was just so glad I went to the meeting.

I feel grateful today, for being able to do this and for hubs... he was such a champion this week with me going bonkers with the whole ovulation thing.  I am such a lucky girl!  I hope the luck extends in a lil Blessing.  If not this month... hopefully in the future.

Hills and valleys

AS I write this, I wish I had good news to write.  This is what I typed up on the 2nd:

This week started on a good note.  After AF showing up over the weekend, I had the usual RE check.  This was so far the most positive appointment I have had so far.  Looks like I have 3 beautiful follies on the L. at 4mm each.. and 2 not so ambitious ones on the R. at 2 mm each.  Uterine lining at 3.3 which is ok given it being the 4th day of my cycle.  RE was happy with the results and wants me to come back in a week.  We will see how this goes but I am definitely praying for positivity.  I am charging all my positive cations on this one!
Hubs and I have decided to attack this cyle from all ends thus the decision to go IUI if feasible.  Decisions will be made next week and I am happy about this.

Natures way to fuck with me.... on the 8th morning, the OPK was positive which sent me to cloud nine.  Even had hubby come back from his trip to the gym for BD.  The 8th was also the followup day with my RE.  That excitement was crushed as soon as she did the US and stated that I was not about to ovulate given the size of my follies and thin lining.  They had not grown one bit...... not cool!  So, there I was, sent on my merry way, and nothing can be done.

According to my RE, she cannot do anything with me because my body is already producing high levels of FSH, so I would not be pre-medicated for IUI.  But if this is the case, how will I catch this ovulation?

The OPK was positive for 2 days then has been negative since.  Looks like I am not ovulating this month which scares me.  Was last month the last ovulation I would have the O in a long time?

I am so confused.  How do doctors deal with people like me?  Surely they do not send them home and tell them to wait do they?