Slow learner

I went in for my appointment yesterday.  This was CD14 post fake-flow.

I had been religiously temping and checking OPKs which is futile given it gives off positive vibes even when it should not be.  What a waste!  But, no, I keep doing it because it is dysfunctional and feeds my type A need to be in control.

I am used to the disappointments.  Of course despite it being CD 14, I have two lonely follies, one on each side.  One is 3mm and the other 2 mm; umm, why even bother?  Did all the potential babies slough off leaving me with tired lil follies? 

I expressed my concern to the RE.  I was unhappy about being in limbo and almost felt like she had given up on me.  She said that she understood my sentiment.  She did not want me wasting money on meds that will most likely not lead to anything.  My FSH was already higher that she pushes it with meds.  She said that studies have shown that POF cases were able to ovulate on meds just not get pregnant.  I told her that I wanted to try, whether it amounts to anything or not.  I believe the idea of a slim chance is better than nothing at this point.  Is this really true?  What happens to all the people with POF that have been successful?  Am I being naïve and stubborn? 

I was surprised when she said that she is open to try despite having done a lot of research that is not very optimistic for someone in my position.   I understand that most of these research institutions heavily rely on evidence based medicine, but I want to try anything and everything before giving up.  I want to give her another chance here (yes, I know... I am a very slow learner).

Hubs and I decided that we will give this one try prior to moving on to a different clinic.  He is concerned that the meds might mess with my already fragile body.  He is worried that stimulating follie production will push me further into the menopausal stage sooner that I have already made it.

Given my ovaries look like CD3 ovaries i.e. quite dormant, I can start with the high dose estradiol today.  I am truly hoping that this will suppress my very high FSH (45).  Please body, work with me here.  I have been so good to you, feeding you only healthy food, working you out, pleasing you with massages, nourishing you with TLC.  Please cooperate for once.  You have been such a bad girl but I still love you.  Time to love me back and show it!

Limbo

¹lim·bo

noun \ˈlim-(ˌ)bō\

plural limbos

Bottom of Form

Definition of LIMBO

1 often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism

2 a : a place or state of restraint or confinement

b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion <proposals kept in limbo>

c : an intermediate or transitional place or state

d : a state of uncertainty

Origin of LIMBO

Middle English, from Medieval Latin, abl. of limbus limbo, from Latin, border

First Known Use: 14th century

I am in a state of Limbo, not knowing what to do or how to proceed.  Definition 2a hits the nail on the head for me.  Not to be confused with the limbo dance in the pic..  I know most well-meaning people will wonder why the heck I cannot “just” move on.  I realize I have a dysfunctional way of looking at things.  Sometimes end up being inconvenienced in my attempt to avoid just that.  I do realize that we are currently in a baseless money-pit that will not get us anywhere.  I want to move on with the whole RE thing, not sure where to go that will be close to work so I do not have to take days off from work for one hour appointments. 

I am afraid that I will not ovulate this month either.  I am well aware that this is the nature of my diagnosis, just having difficulty with it all.  I am temping and using OPKs and the reality bites.  I tell myself that I will stop doing it but who am I kidding?  It is somewhat addictive and the only thing I have left that I can do sans the diet changes.

When I started acupuncture, I went with it like it was the holy grail of all fertility problems.  Now, I look at it as a way to keep me calm and grounded.  I am afraid I am losing faith in it but continue to do it “just in case”.  Not to forget taking the aweful tasting herbs - which I could not begin to describe the amount of gas they are giving me! uuurgh!

I have also been depriving myself of all things pleasurable (at least in my eyes and mouth) such as sweets, coffee, wine, ice cream, etc. etc…  The other day I wanted a bite of Hubs Nutella covered toast and he reminded me that I was not supposed to eat that.  I told him that I thought that was crap because avoiding sugar, caffeine or wine will not increase my eggs.  Part of me wants to believe that if I do all these things, then I will be paid off for being a “good girl” and the payoff will be well worth it AKA a bundle of joy.  The other part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and let nature/fate take its course. 

Given I do not want to live in regret; I choose to be a good girl and follow everything I have heard or read about.  At least I would like to say I tried.  There is also something to be said about guilt and my Catholic school upbringingJ.  Since I would rather have a clear conscience… here is to no sugar, coffee, ice cream or wine!  POF will not steal my spirit though; I refuse to succumb to the misery that I almost drowned in.

I have a girl’s day out tomorrow.  Lunch and Spa day are just what I ordered!  I am looking forward to that.

Now, I need to get off the blogs and get to find an RE who might help me!

All things fake

Last week I had my fake AF and even after 46 days of waiting, I was not excited to see it coz it felt soo.... well.. fake!  I felt like I had passed an exam after cheating all the way.  I am worried that this is the new normal for me but what to do.  It's beyond my control and I have to keep reminding myself this much.

My body has really been doing a fantastic job at fooling me and messing with my head.  To add the icing on the fake flo cake, I had an LH surge (positive OPK) and temp drop on CD 5.  Then of course it was a neg after that.  Just lovely but poor hubs had to get on gross BD "just incase".  I mean, we both know that is one of those fake LH surges like we had in July but hope is something tough:)  I am scheduled to go in for an U/S next week but I am not too hopeful coz my RE does not want me on meds so the only option she is giving me at this point in unmedicated IUI or try naturally.  To me, this sounds like a complete waste of my time but I keep going back.

I need a better RE that is fighting for this cause, at least that is how I feel.  I like her proximity from my job coz then I can just walk there for an hour then come back to work without taking time off for the many appts.  Anyone know of a good RE in the Bay area?  I am in PA.

I have also been wondering about HRT.  I am on the patch and it is annoying and irritating on my skin to say the least.  I am thinking oral HRT would be better for me.  Anyone with better suggestions on what has worked for you?
 
This weekend was great hanging out with hubs all the way.  I had to shrug the girlfriends off and pay attention to my number one fan:)  We also did an outside professional photo shoot just cause:)  I hope the pics look good!  I love this man of mine:)

Memory Monday

I remember the days when I was so scared of getting pregnant and would literally freak out at the thought of it.  My focus in academia and doing things "the right way".

I remember my love for children from a young age... people would ask me to babysit coz I was just in love with little kids.  We got along great; I loved them, they loved me.

I remember the plans hubs and I made in regards to family; two children, maybe adopt one.

I remember the first time I had a pregnancy scare and my heart was literally in my mouth.  Now I know that when I do get preggers, my heart will be in my mouth from joy.

I remember being cautioned against teen pregnancy on a very regular basis by my mother..... this especially when she saw me flirting with boys.

I remember questioning whether I would like to have babies in the future, and whether I would be a good mother.  Now I know that I would love love love to be a mother and will try to be the best mother my munchkin will ever have.

  

Day 42

It is CD 42 and AF is nowhere in sight.  Even though I was forwarned about this, I feel blind sided.  I am taking the darn progest pills and I am not really sure what they are doing, if anything.  Cross that, they are def giving me the strangest dreams!  The last few days I have been having the wierdest of wierd dreams!  Including an encounter with a hermaphrodite.  No offense to them, but that was way wierd. 

Now that I am a year older (on the number count I have to give when someone asks me how old I am).  I trully feel/hear the clock clanging instead of ticking.  I know I am not that much older, but these issues make me feel like I am running out of time.  Silly, I know.  Do you ever feel that way too every time you celebrate your birthday?

Anyways, I am so Blessed beyond measures and I have been in a very grateful zone lately.  I talked to one of my close gfs who recently struggled with 2 miscarriages.  She, at the very young age of 43 got pregnant twice and so easily... unfortunately, was unable to sustain both of them.  I hope and pray that she succeeds in her journey to hold a new born daughter of her own.  I encouraged her with capital letters to seek help from an RE as opposed to her OBGYN who just loaded her up on Clomid.  I wondered why Clomid since her main issue was embies sticking.  Maybe some of you know this?

My bestie also offered her eggs if all else fails.  Thing is, we are of the same age.  I wonder how that works?  Has any of you ever thought of a close donor like that?  She prolly would have to freeze/save herself some first:)  She is in med school and not married yet.  I actually thought that would be kinda cool coz I just love her!  Not to forget she is beautiful and quite smart if I may say so.

Spoilt musings

This weekend was lovely!  I spent it getting spoilt by hubs.  He is such a darling... and it was all a surprise.  I woke up on Saturday thinking that I would be going to an art and wine festival then later go out with a good friend.  Little did I know that hubs had other plans, with my birthday coming up. 

He just asked me to dress up and be ready by 10 am and took me to a champaigne brunch cruise... very nice!  It was such a romantic time and I couldn't help thinking how lucky I am:)

In the afternoon, he asked that I change into something comfortable and took me to a prof soccer game (I had been asking that we go to a game and check it out).  This was too much fun and we had such a good spot!  We were literally sitting behind the sub players!  Top it off; our team won! 

I just felt really bad for my friend coz I had to stand her up for the day!  But she totally understood:)

On sunday, he asked to take me out for lunch.  Little did I know that he had called my friends and asked them to join us for lunch.  This is especially special since we moved away from my family and have only met a few people in the area.  Isn't he adorable?  So, I spent Sunday afternoon with friends, laughter and good food.  I love this man!

And the funnest part of it all... it was not really my birthday yet... that is tomorrow:)  I am officially a very spoilt girl!  

On other news, I still have not see the likes of AF... this being CD 37.  I have resigned to popping the progest pills and see where it takes me.  Let's hope for the ol lady Flo to show up in 12 days or so.  Aaah the joys!  I should mention that I decided to take a break from all the diet restrictions this weekend... I mean, who goes to a "champagne bruunch" and says no to endless mimosas?  Def not me!

I was also held under trigger to try out the various sweet things on the desert table:)  It is kosher to not pig out!  Now that I am back to reality...... same ol boring diet back in my life!

August already!!

I cannot believe it is August!  Where the heck did the year go?
I am apprehensive about this month because I turn 34!  This brings the worry that I will soon be considered of maternal advanced age thus a high risk pregnancy if in fact I do get pregnant.  Never would I have thought that this was an actual term but now I know it is.  I apparently will be high risk if I do not conceive after November since that would make me 35 by the time I give birth.  One more strike!  One step at a time though because I have to first get over the hurdle of getting preggers then worry about the rest......

July was a disappointing month; I did not ovulate and looks like I will have to induce a AF.  Bummers!  I hope my birthday month will be good me.  There is a comfort level that comes with seeing AF regularly.  It makes me feel like I still have a chance in the matter.  Without AF, things get tougher and harder to deal with.
So God help me.