Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Changes... challenges.....Vacation..... challenges

Hope, where at thou?
I have recently been losing faith.  I so want to keep it right now.  I want to believe that a lot of people deal with my situation and beat it.  I want to believe that I am one of those people.  A little voice in me keeps that going but lately, the devilish voice that tells me I will never have a baby keeps getting louder.

I decided to change acupuncturist because I wanted to try herbs and my last one did not offer any.  He also did not have a goal or end in sight.  This did not give me a good feeling.  I am now seeing a lady who is giving me herbs and does things differently.  She has mentioned several times that she is preparing me for whatever I decide to do in future... be it DE or IVF.  She does not give me hope that I can beat my odds naturally.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  I have been questioning my decision to go there... ugh!  I see lots of pictures and brochures that refer to prenatal care which makes me question her hx and success with people with POF.  Maybe she deals with prenatal shit and not infertility... the doubts are consuming me.  Her frequent mention of DE or IVF makes my stomach churn.  Not that I am against either, but because I would have wanted her to want to try naturally first before jumping the gun.  It is almost as if she has no hope in me.  Something the last one did.  She also keeps asking me whether I do not have PCOS.... no good lady, I don't.  I do not have multiple follicles, My FSH is sky high, my AMH is non-existent... please do your homework.  This is so sad especially because she is spunky and easy to engage.  uurgh!  What to do!  In my vacay excitement fugue, I paid for 10 sessions... I kinda feel stuck for a few months :(

I decided to change acupuncturists right before my vacation.  Well needed vacation.  I started Chinese herbs a week before my vacation.  AF was visiting that week and I was hoping to God things would slow down before vacay.  The destination was Jamaica, so I needed to be ready for the sun, the pools, the beach, the ocean.... anything tropical and Caribbean basically.  AF was not one of them!  Needless to say, AF did go back to hibernation the day of my trip.  I was regular with the herbs for the entirety of my trip.

Vacation was fun!  I felt spoilt rotten, broke all the rules that an infertile should follow...I drank alcohol from morning to morning, ate everything including sugar, processed foods, you name it, I ate it.  Only thing good thing I did for myself was relax!  No stress maan!  I was not gonna think of this looming infertility crap.  I was there to have fun and that is exactly what I did; not ashamed about it either.  I think the worst part about coming back from vacation is everyone sking whether I got knocked up!  I should mention that I am not out with my diagnosis. 

Upon my return, I had an appt with my RE who surprised me during my US with the news that I had already ovulated.  She ordered labs to confirm.
Lining: 6 mm
Antral Follicle count: 2 on left side (one 12mm and the other 4mm)
What?  I have long cycles, how can I have ovulated?  I had had two negative OPKs two days after my return!  Yikes... this means I did not time my ovulation coz I was sure as hell it would happen the week we returned..  Estradiol 68, Progesterone 6.3; yes maam, you have already ovulated. 
Just my luck!  I hate to depend on that ovulation with the life of me!  I am pissed at my body for rebelling against it's owner.  I hope that all the drinking and poor diet will not be my downfall.  In all honesty, I don't even think I had a chance to begin with because my 2nd day cycle check, the antral follicle count had been 1 (R. side).... yap... just one lonely lil tumble weed.  It was no longer visible. 

I wonder whether the herbs messed with me, but the new accu lady in an around kinda way said that this could not be the case.  I am not convinced.

Now, I know a lot of people with POF do not even ovulate, so I should be grateful that I still do.  I am just confused about a lot of things right now.

All I know with certainty, is that I want a bundle of joy to light up our hearts and home, and that is, like 1 in 8 women, proving harder by the minute.

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