Gratitude

Happy Friday y’all!  Fridays always make me feel excitable because I do not have to wake up early Saturday morning.  I am sure some or most of you understand that very well. 

First, I would like to thank Aislinn of http://msbabymakin.blogspot.com/ for the wonderful gift of the paracord awareness bracelet (see below).  I am super excited about this!  Thanks Aislinn!  May your journey be Blessed with a bundle of joy in your arms.

 

Secondly, I feel so grateful to have my husband as my life partner.  I am amazed at his propensity to make my life better in more ways than one.  He has truly been there for me even when I do not deserve his constant assurance and love.  I need to do better in terms of loving, giving, listening, assuring, and pleasing him.  Besides, what good am I being nicer to strangers than I am to him?

I am also grateful for last weekend.  It being a long weekend allowed us to have a mini-getaway.  Isn’t this beautiful?  This is a view of Lake Tahoe from above.  I took this pic from the Heavenly gondolas up above.

 As much as I did not realize, this trip really allowed us to focus on each other and remember what is important.  Sometimes we are so busy going through the wringers of life that we forget to have some fun or pay attention to all the Blessings around us.  A few things I was reminded of were the fact that I have a best friend for a hubs… I can pretty much tell him anything and we have fun together.  His goofiness totally puts me at ease when I am sweating small stuff.  I love that I can be myself in all ways, and I mean ALL ways and he will still think of me as the cutest thing in the world.  I mean, what did I do to deserve such a great man?! 

I am also grateful for sunsets.  I think they are a great reminder that even with all that goes on in the world and in our lives, beauty exists.  I see God in sunsets.  I just love them.  They exude peace, joy and tranquility to me.   I took this photo on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe and in all honesty, the pic does not do it justice. 

I am grateful for the lack of hot flashes... this is not to mentione the ugly side of Estradiol - read wt gain...  It is kinda nice to be comfortable and sleep like a baby again.  I know this is short lived but I am grateful altogether. 

I don’t think I mentioned that we started seeing a therapist.  This I am grateful for!  We are still establishing rapport (seen her twice) but I feel that she has already been essential in helping us deal with a lot of things.  I am now able to look at hubs point of view in dealing with the throws of complicated-baby-making.  He is also able to see things from my point of view.  This I know because he has been working hard at meeting me from my place instead of asking me to shake it off and keep moving coz life is not fair.  Yes, you heard it... that is his way of dealing.  Instead of me looking at it like he does not care, I now know that this is just how he deals with tragic problems.  He has been through a few tragedies and has emerged strong and focused.  Our goal is to go in weekly, and I feel good about this one.  We should have done it sooner.  I think everyone should look into thisJ

Spoilt musings

This weekend was lovely!  I spent it getting spoilt by hubs.  He is such a darling... and it was all a surprise.  I woke up on Saturday thinking that I would be going to an art and wine festival then later go out with a good friend.  Little did I know that hubs had other plans, with my birthday coming up. 

He just asked me to dress up and be ready by 10 am and took me to a champaigne brunch cruise... very nice!  It was such a romantic time and I couldn't help thinking how lucky I am:)

In the afternoon, he asked that I change into something comfortable and took me to a prof soccer game (I had been asking that we go to a game and check it out).  This was too much fun and we had such a good spot!  We were literally sitting behind the sub players!  Top it off; our team won! 

I just felt really bad for my friend coz I had to stand her up for the day!  But she totally understood:)

On sunday, he asked to take me out for lunch.  Little did I know that he had called my friends and asked them to join us for lunch.  This is especially special since we moved away from my family and have only met a few people in the area.  Isn't he adorable?  So, I spent Sunday afternoon with friends, laughter and good food.  I love this man!

And the funnest part of it all... it was not really my birthday yet... that is tomorrow:)  I am officially a very spoilt girl!  

On other news, I still have not see the likes of AF... this being CD 37.  I have resigned to popping the progest pills and see where it takes me.  Let's hope for the ol lady Flo to show up in 12 days or so.  Aaah the joys!  I should mention that I decided to take a break from all the diet restrictions this weekend... I mean, who goes to a "champagne bruunch" and says no to endless mimosas?  Def not me!

I was also held under trigger to try out the various sweet things on the desert table:)  It is kosher to not pig out!  Now that I am back to reality...... same ol boring diet back in my life!

Sadness..... Anger......Disappointment all in one big heap.

I am angry today... no, I am sad... O well, why sugar coat it, I am upset!

Last week ended in one disappointing heap!  I went in for the progesterone check on Friday morning per my RE's advice and learnt that based on the low level (0.49), I had def NOT ovulated and so the IUI was a burst!

I think I was too disappointed to be sad.  Or I had prepared myself for failure when I noted that my temps stayed low.  Or that hubs was as usual, the optimist who was here to tell me that we will just have to try again.  Not sure, but I made it out of it a-okay.  I enjoyed my weekend and even volunteered yesterday.

Come today, the RE wanted to check the follie growth (or lack there of), so, I headed there before work. 
I was in the exam room for about 20 minutes when a resident showed up alone and said that since the good ol doc was busy, she had instructed her to to come in and do my ultrasound.  She was a sweet lady and I tried to hide my extreme disappointment.

Really?  I just had a burst on my first ever IUI and the best you can do is send your prodigy to perform an US on me?  To top that, she was having difficulty seeing any follies, except for one 10 mm follie on my L. side.  I know this is TMI, but she must have thought she was riding a joystick in my v-jay jay... I even had to cringe, to which of course she apologized.  I could tell she was nervous and being that I have been a student before, I sensed that this was in over her head.

She then said that since she was having a hard time seeing any follies, she would go fetch the teacher who would have to do another US.  I just sat there waiting, feeling violated and upset for about 5 -10 minutes.  I couldn't help crying.  Seriously, there I was feeling very brushed aside and alone.  I hated my body for allowing me to be in this predicament in the first place.

She then came back and said that the teacher was busy and to come back on Thursday.   I told her I was upset and that I would not return on Thursday.  Poor girl... I again know it was not her fault, she was also put in a weird position by her teacher.  But I was crying and could not help myself.  She did ask what she could help with and ofcourse I said nothing.  I could tell she was at a loss for words.. oh boy...  I left the clinic feeling like a failure, a mess and a jerk all in one!

At this point, I just want to stop going in and trying naturally.  My only predicament is that I know this will not be a very smart decision.  I know I am speaking with my emotions, but how do I move on from here? 

I am still feeling a little mad about the whole thing today.  At the same time, I feel bad for the resident because she really did not do anything wrong.  I suppose for once, I did not want to be treated like a statistic. 
I just wanted the RE to come in and see me for the person that I am, that is struggling with these issues and had a very disappointing event happen. 
I wanted the RE to reassure me that despite the false positive and a waste of our hard earned money on a fake IUI, it will be fine, one of these days. 
I wanted a human connection from the person who has been seeing my hoo haa on a regular basis besides hubs. 
Unfortunately, it is just a job for her and I am just another patient in her long day!
Uh!
What to do?  What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Hills and valleys

AS I write this, I wish I had good news to write.  This is what I typed up on the 2nd:

This week started on a good note.  After AF showing up over the weekend, I had the usual RE check.  This was so far the most positive appointment I have had so far.  Looks like I have 3 beautiful follies on the L. at 4mm each.. and 2 not so ambitious ones on the R. at 2 mm each.  Uterine lining at 3.3 which is ok given it being the 4th day of my cycle.  RE was happy with the results and wants me to come back in a week.  We will see how this goes but I am definitely praying for positivity.  I am charging all my positive cations on this one!
Hubs and I have decided to attack this cyle from all ends thus the decision to go IUI if feasible.  Decisions will be made next week and I am happy about this.

Natures way to fuck with me.... on the 8th morning, the OPK was positive which sent me to cloud nine.  Even had hubby come back from his trip to the gym for BD.  The 8th was also the followup day with my RE.  That excitement was crushed as soon as she did the US and stated that I was not about to ovulate given the size of my follies and thin lining.  They had not grown one bit...... not cool!  So, there I was, sent on my merry way, and nothing can be done.

According to my RE, she cannot do anything with me because my body is already producing high levels of FSH, so I would not be pre-medicated for IUI.  But if this is the case, how will I catch this ovulation?

The OPK was positive for 2 days then has been negative since.  Looks like I am not ovulating this month which scares me.  Was last month the last ovulation I would have the O in a long time?

I am so confused.  How do doctors deal with people like me?  Surely they do not send them home and tell them to wait do they?

Life with POI

If I did not know any better, I would for the umpteenth time, think I was preggers.  This, like most people struggling with infertility, is the order of the two weeks after ovulation... aah the joys!  not!

The hot flashes are back today!  I hate them with all my being because they remind me of my ovarian failure, insufficiency, inadequacy, shortcomings... all that and more.  They woke me up at around 4 am today and it was on and off from then.  This morning on my way to work, I felt like I was on fire.. Maybe it is about time I bite the bullet and take the estrogen.  I just wonder whether I will take it concurrently with the herbs... always confused!

I have nausea that is making me feel like crap.  As time progresses, I notice that I get nausea on the week AF shows her face.  I just think that is hella unfair because it makes me think I am preggers every time without fail..  Seriously, that is the world's way of fucking with my brain and I loath it!  I also have a light headache and a feeling of fogginess.  Well of course the fogginess could be part of the hormonal imbalance or PMS.  Who the heck knows anymore.  My breasts are a tad engorged but sometimes I wonder whether I am reading into everything..  This whole self awareness is not healthy coz then you sit there listening to every symptom your body might have:)  A little twinge here, a pang there... they all come with a lot of reading into.  It could totally be unrelated but it all means something related to nothing... I want to stop with the madness but how can I?

I have some cramps... last night while asleep, I felt a pang on my right side.  Of course all sorts of things in my head popped up while asleep... like ectopic and crap like that...  Then this morning it is just mild cramping in a general sense.  I don't want to test, but I find myself doing it "just in case".  And of course it is a BFN which floors my heart.

I should mention that things are not exactly harmonious in the home front.  Hubby and I have been at loggerheads for petty issues.  I know I should not dare bring my condition into this, but it drives me into the poor me auto.  I feel unsupported, like I am battling this on my own, like he does not really care.  Rationally, I know this is not necessarily true, but emotionally, I feel very alone.  At this point, he is busy with managing our investment property, trying to find a tenant which has been difficult.  He seems so immersed in that, that I don't think he thinks of anything else, aside from his work. We have not been talking about anything else aside from work, finding a house, finding a tenant.... all business, nothing personal.  At this point, I don't even think I want to talk about anything personal with him coz I hate it when I get all emotional and instead of getting my point across, I cry and cry... and sulk in the end of it all.  I have been down about things and I just don't feel strong to tackle difficult conversations. 



Hubs is a great guy in so many ways I could lose count.  But I don't feel that he is good at the emotional mushy stuff which is fine for the most part.  He also sucks at apologizing which drives me absolutely bonkers!  Speaking of the mushy, the way he handles this whole POI stuff is by saying that we will deal with it as it comes.  No emotions attached to it, nothing.  He says that he believes we will have a baby at some point, but is we don't, then that's that.  I have asked him severally on how he feels about it all and his response is; "well, we will just have to work on it until we cannot do it anymore".  "In my life, nothing comes easy, so I am ready to do the work".  He then goes ahead to let me know that I panic easy and there is no need for that.  He says that I tend to over think and throw myself into a tizzy.  Well sir, last I looked, the POI diagnosis is not a walk in the park!

I am kinda resentful about that, not that I would want him to have the same level of response like I do.  But I would want him to be more thoughtful before saying things like "I am overreacting".  That is the problem with having expectations....  I do not want to have any expectations, I should just take him as he is.  I don't know how to go about it anymore but to hold things in or blog them really.  I am thankful for this coz it lets me get things out of my chest. 



The whole resentment thing is my problem really.  It only messes with my heart and emotions, not his.  So I have to work around that. Oh dear!

This thing called marriage

I sometimes wonder whether every couple goes through the same things we do..... Or if not every couple, maybe most couples....
Sometimes we get along so well and I cannot think of anyone I would rather spend my life with.  Just on Sat, we went on a dinner date to a really nice restaurant, had such a great time, just the two of us....him and I.... yesterday, we spent time with my in-laws and it was really great....
Then other times I wonder.... I know I tend to sweat small things, but they are stuff, and at times they signify a bigger picture to me.  I hope I am not in the end gonna be one of those spouses who are packing on remorse,  everything piles up, then all it can do is burst into an unpleasant mess.
A few weeks ago, hubs n I went for a double date with a couple friend.  At that time, we planned on going for dinner with them on Memorial Day.  But it seems that he forgot all about it and was unwilling to go because he wasn't mentally Prepared to go.  So I was stuck with having to apologize to them, n showing up alone.  I know that it should not be such a big deal, but it really bothered me.
I need to learn how to deal with such petty issues, to let go and not analyze everything.  To realize that he sometimes gets bogged down by all the social stuff that I sign him up for.  Being an introvert, it is tiring for him to do the social scene as much as I would want.... I am an extrovert, and the social scene recharges me.  Uuurggh...
Back to baby making, I was awakened by a hot flash today and have some mild cramps on my lower abdomen today.  I feel AF showing her face in a few days n am honestly not looking forward.  I would rather not see her for another nine months....:(  I will stay green and avoid the red as much as I possibly can.