Gratitude

Happy Friday y’all!  Fridays always make me feel excitable because I do not have to wake up early Saturday morning.  I am sure some or most of you understand that very well. 

First, I would like to thank Aislinn of http://msbabymakin.blogspot.com/ for the wonderful gift of the paracord awareness bracelet (see below).  I am super excited about this!  Thanks Aislinn!  May your journey be Blessed with a bundle of joy in your arms.

 

Secondly, I feel so grateful to have my husband as my life partner.  I am amazed at his propensity to make my life better in more ways than one.  He has truly been there for me even when I do not deserve his constant assurance and love.  I need to do better in terms of loving, giving, listening, assuring, and pleasing him.  Besides, what good am I being nicer to strangers than I am to him?

I am also grateful for last weekend.  It being a long weekend allowed us to have a mini-getaway.  Isn’t this beautiful?  This is a view of Lake Tahoe from above.  I took this pic from the Heavenly gondolas up above.

 As much as I did not realize, this trip really allowed us to focus on each other and remember what is important.  Sometimes we are so busy going through the wringers of life that we forget to have some fun or pay attention to all the Blessings around us.  A few things I was reminded of were the fact that I have a best friend for a hubs… I can pretty much tell him anything and we have fun together.  His goofiness totally puts me at ease when I am sweating small stuff.  I love that I can be myself in all ways, and I mean ALL ways and he will still think of me as the cutest thing in the world.  I mean, what did I do to deserve such a great man?! 

I am also grateful for sunsets.  I think they are a great reminder that even with all that goes on in the world and in our lives, beauty exists.  I see God in sunsets.  I just love them.  They exude peace, joy and tranquility to me.   I took this photo on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe and in all honesty, the pic does not do it justice. 

I am grateful for the lack of hot flashes... this is not to mentione the ugly side of Estradiol - read wt gain...  It is kinda nice to be comfortable and sleep like a baby again.  I know this is short lived but I am grateful altogether. 

I don’t think I mentioned that we started seeing a therapist.  This I am grateful for!  We are still establishing rapport (seen her twice) but I feel that she has already been essential in helping us deal with a lot of things.  I am now able to look at hubs point of view in dealing with the throws of complicated-baby-making.  He is also able to see things from my point of view.  This I know because he has been working hard at meeting me from my place instead of asking me to shake it off and keep moving coz life is not fair.  Yes, you heard it... that is his way of dealing.  Instead of me looking at it like he does not care, I now know that this is just how he deals with tragic problems.  He has been through a few tragedies and has emerged strong and focused.  Our goal is to go in weekly, and I feel good about this one.  We should have done it sooner.  I think everyone should look into thisJ

September

September is upon us.  I had a great weekend to finish August off.  We spent the weekend at Lake Tahoe and it was just so beautiful!  There were a lot of kids and I found myself hoping to have a little one of my own too that I can take to our various travels.  We found ourselves talking about what we would let our child/ren do.  What a perfect place to take kids!

Despite that fact, we had a blast, which we always do.  We are good company to each other.  Apart from my supplement regimen, I did not obsess about my condition, which to me, is a success.  I seek to let go of that which I have no control over.  The only time we do not see eye to eye when it comes to getaways is that hubs is not a nightlife person.  When I am on vacation, I want to let loose and go all out, which includes dancing the night away or listening to music at a lounge.  He would rather go back to the room and “watch” each other or TV. 

One of the reasons I am glad to see September is that August kinda bombed on me… just like July.  No ovulation=no chance for baby, and that is what Aug meant to me.  I also turned a year older, so did hubs.  Is there a way to stop the clock while we deal with this monster called unconventional baby-making?

This is my second week on the estrogen pills and let me tell ya, I am feeling bloated and have gained 5 lbs. in one week.  I am at my heaviest weight and I am truly worried.  Is this supposed to happen with just high dose Estrogen?  Am I looking at more weight gain with the other meds?  That worries me.  At the risk of sounding vain; I would rather not be gaining a pound.  How can I deal with this?  I exercised each morning we were at Tahoe and intend to continue exercising.  I do feel heavy, bloated, occasional mild cramping, sore mammary glands (lol) and of course I feel so huge.  Am I even supposed to be exercising heavily at this time?  On the bright side, the hot flushes have completely abated... I mean, gone with no peeking behavior.  Something they did with the low dose patches.  

The goal is to get on Follistim if my ovaries respond to 1.5 mg/day of Estrogen.  I worry that this high dose of Estrogen will make me susceptible to breast cancer but I have to try.  I will not be the first nor the last to give this a try.  So God help me. 

As for my dear Hopie Hope, I love you before I have even met you, wherever you are... so does your handsone daddy!  We can't wait to meet you munchkin... 

"For I know the Plans I have for you, says the Lord".

Limbo

¹lim·bo

noun \ˈlim-(ˌ)bō\

plural limbos

Bottom of Form

Definition of LIMBO

1 often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism

2 a : a place or state of restraint or confinement

b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion <proposals kept in limbo>

c : an intermediate or transitional place or state

d : a state of uncertainty

Origin of LIMBO

Middle English, from Medieval Latin, abl. of limbus limbo, from Latin, border

First Known Use: 14th century

I am in a state of Limbo, not knowing what to do or how to proceed.  Definition 2a hits the nail on the head for me.  Not to be confused with the limbo dance in the pic..  I know most well-meaning people will wonder why the heck I cannot “just” move on.  I realize I have a dysfunctional way of looking at things.  Sometimes end up being inconvenienced in my attempt to avoid just that.  I do realize that we are currently in a baseless money-pit that will not get us anywhere.  I want to move on with the whole RE thing, not sure where to go that will be close to work so I do not have to take days off from work for one hour appointments. 

I am afraid that I will not ovulate this month either.  I am well aware that this is the nature of my diagnosis, just having difficulty with it all.  I am temping and using OPKs and the reality bites.  I tell myself that I will stop doing it but who am I kidding?  It is somewhat addictive and the only thing I have left that I can do sans the diet changes.

When I started acupuncture, I went with it like it was the holy grail of all fertility problems.  Now, I look at it as a way to keep me calm and grounded.  I am afraid I am losing faith in it but continue to do it “just in case”.  Not to forget taking the aweful tasting herbs - which I could not begin to describe the amount of gas they are giving me! uuurgh!

I have also been depriving myself of all things pleasurable (at least in my eyes and mouth) such as sweets, coffee, wine, ice cream, etc. etc…  The other day I wanted a bite of Hubs Nutella covered toast and he reminded me that I was not supposed to eat that.  I told him that I thought that was crap because avoiding sugar, caffeine or wine will not increase my eggs.  Part of me wants to believe that if I do all these things, then I will be paid off for being a “good girl” and the payoff will be well worth it AKA a bundle of joy.  The other part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and let nature/fate take its course. 

Given I do not want to live in regret; I choose to be a good girl and follow everything I have heard or read about.  At least I would like to say I tried.  There is also something to be said about guilt and my Catholic school upbringingJ.  Since I would rather have a clear conscience… here is to no sugar, coffee, ice cream or wine!  POF will not steal my spirit though; I refuse to succumb to the misery that I almost drowned in.

I have a girl’s day out tomorrow.  Lunch and Spa day are just what I ordered!  I am looking forward to that.

Now, I need to get off the blogs and get to find an RE who might help me!

Memory Monday

I remember the days when I was so scared of getting pregnant and would literally freak out at the thought of it.  My focus in academia and doing things "the right way".

I remember my love for children from a young age... people would ask me to babysit coz I was just in love with little kids.  We got along great; I loved them, they loved me.

I remember the plans hubs and I made in regards to family; two children, maybe adopt one.

I remember the first time I had a pregnancy scare and my heart was literally in my mouth.  Now I know that when I do get preggers, my heart will be in my mouth from joy.

I remember being cautioned against teen pregnancy on a very regular basis by my mother..... this especially when she saw me flirting with boys.

I remember questioning whether I would like to have babies in the future, and whether I would be a good mother.  Now I know that I would love love love to be a mother and will try to be the best mother my munchkin will ever have.

  

August already!!

I cannot believe it is August!  Where the heck did the year go?
I am apprehensive about this month because I turn 34!  This brings the worry that I will soon be considered of maternal advanced age thus a high risk pregnancy if in fact I do get pregnant.  Never would I have thought that this was an actual term but now I know it is.  I apparently will be high risk if I do not conceive after November since that would make me 35 by the time I give birth.  One more strike!  One step at a time though because I have to first get over the hurdle of getting preggers then worry about the rest......

July was a disappointing month; I did not ovulate and looks like I will have to induce a AF.  Bummers!  I hope my birthday month will be good me.  There is a comfort level that comes with seeing AF regularly.  It makes me feel like I still have a chance in the matter.  Without AF, things get tougher and harder to deal with.
So God help me.

Sadness..... Anger......Disappointment all in one big heap.

I am angry today... no, I am sad... O well, why sugar coat it, I am upset!

Last week ended in one disappointing heap!  I went in for the progesterone check on Friday morning per my RE's advice and learnt that based on the low level (0.49), I had def NOT ovulated and so the IUI was a burst!

I think I was too disappointed to be sad.  Or I had prepared myself for failure when I noted that my temps stayed low.  Or that hubs was as usual, the optimist who was here to tell me that we will just have to try again.  Not sure, but I made it out of it a-okay.  I enjoyed my weekend and even volunteered yesterday.

Come today, the RE wanted to check the follie growth (or lack there of), so, I headed there before work. 
I was in the exam room for about 20 minutes when a resident showed up alone and said that since the good ol doc was busy, she had instructed her to to come in and do my ultrasound.  She was a sweet lady and I tried to hide my extreme disappointment.

Really?  I just had a burst on my first ever IUI and the best you can do is send your prodigy to perform an US on me?  To top that, she was having difficulty seeing any follies, except for one 10 mm follie on my L. side.  I know this is TMI, but she must have thought she was riding a joystick in my v-jay jay... I even had to cringe, to which of course she apologized.  I could tell she was nervous and being that I have been a student before, I sensed that this was in over her head.

She then said that since she was having a hard time seeing any follies, she would go fetch the teacher who would have to do another US.  I just sat there waiting, feeling violated and upset for about 5 -10 minutes.  I couldn't help crying.  Seriously, there I was feeling very brushed aside and alone.  I hated my body for allowing me to be in this predicament in the first place.

She then came back and said that the teacher was busy and to come back on Thursday.   I told her I was upset and that I would not return on Thursday.  Poor girl... I again know it was not her fault, she was also put in a weird position by her teacher.  But I was crying and could not help myself.  She did ask what she could help with and ofcourse I said nothing.  I could tell she was at a loss for words.. oh boy...  I left the clinic feeling like a failure, a mess and a jerk all in one!

At this point, I just want to stop going in and trying naturally.  My only predicament is that I know this will not be a very smart decision.  I know I am speaking with my emotions, but how do I move on from here? 

I am still feeling a little mad about the whole thing today.  At the same time, I feel bad for the resident because she really did not do anything wrong.  I suppose for once, I did not want to be treated like a statistic. 
I just wanted the RE to come in and see me for the person that I am, that is struggling with these issues and had a very disappointing event happen. 
I wanted the RE to reassure me that despite the false positive and a waste of our hard earned money on a fake IUI, it will be fine, one of these days. 
I wanted a human connection from the person who has been seeing my hoo haa on a regular basis besides hubs. 
Unfortunately, it is just a job for her and I am just another patient in her long day!
Uh!
What to do?  What would you do if you were in my shoes?

IUI #1

I had the LH surge yesterday, which of course meant calling my RE to see whether she can see me ASAP.  Thankfully, she was able to see me this morning.  A few small follies on both sides, lining 8 mm (from 4mm last week), and  fluid in left ovary.  She also asked that hubs donate his offspring early this morning so that it can get washed.  Things looked good on his end (as always).

Unfortunately, she was not able to catch "THE" follicle if there ever was any.  Although my lining had improved, it would be hard to tell for sure with me being on the Estrogen patch.  This meant that;

a)  I ovulated sometime last night given she could not see any follicle but could see fluid in the L. ovary; meaning the follicle had ruptured.

b)  I did not ovulate, the surge was another false positive and the lining was just thick d/t recent boost from the patch.  In this case, no particular explanation for the fluid in the L. ovary.

She gave me a 60% chance that I ovulated.  Sounds like the weatherman predicting rain or shine when they have ablsolutely no clue of either or, but to hubs and I, this was high enough to give IUI a chance.   She said that she would do the same were she in our shoes.  We decided to go ahead and do the first IUI today.

I guess I can say that I am lucky coz I did not have to take stim medication d/t my high FSH and the fact that I am still ovulating pretty regularly (that is if infact I did ovulate). I would be a poor responder anyways.  So, I did not have to poke  and prod myself or subject hubs to the trauma of poking me.  He is seriously afraid of needles which I think is so funny.  Bear in mind that this is the same guy who can take just about anything,.... a truly manly man...lol

I thought that getting IUI would make me so anxious and worried every single second.... but in all honesty, it put me at a peace I never thought I would have.  Although this puts me into the 2 week wait category, I am not anxious or worried.  I am ready for IUI #2 if that is what it boils down to.  I have to stay positive.  I have to let go of my sense of control.

I think my attending the resolve meeting last night really made a difference for me.  I talked to the ladies who were very candid about their lives, and how they have learnt to deal with the situation by letting go!  I need this like I need a baby.  Just letting go and for me, letting God!  He is the one who knows what my plan is.

They also mentioned how it is important to live this life... this beautiful life.  Something I have not been doing lately given my obsession with all things infertility and POF.  On my way home, I was just so glad I went to the meeting.

I feel grateful today, for being able to do this and for hubs... he was such a champion this week with me going bonkers with the whole ovulation thing.  I am such a lucky girl!  I hope the luck extends in a lil Blessing.  If not this month... hopefully in the future.

Life with POI

If I did not know any better, I would for the umpteenth time, think I was preggers.  This, like most people struggling with infertility, is the order of the two weeks after ovulation... aah the joys!  not!

The hot flashes are back today!  I hate them with all my being because they remind me of my ovarian failure, insufficiency, inadequacy, shortcomings... all that and more.  They woke me up at around 4 am today and it was on and off from then.  This morning on my way to work, I felt like I was on fire.. Maybe it is about time I bite the bullet and take the estrogen.  I just wonder whether I will take it concurrently with the herbs... always confused!

I have nausea that is making me feel like crap.  As time progresses, I notice that I get nausea on the week AF shows her face.  I just think that is hella unfair because it makes me think I am preggers every time without fail..  Seriously, that is the world's way of fucking with my brain and I loath it!  I also have a light headache and a feeling of fogginess.  Well of course the fogginess could be part of the hormonal imbalance or PMS.  Who the heck knows anymore.  My breasts are a tad engorged but sometimes I wonder whether I am reading into everything..  This whole self awareness is not healthy coz then you sit there listening to every symptom your body might have:)  A little twinge here, a pang there... they all come with a lot of reading into.  It could totally be unrelated but it all means something related to nothing... I want to stop with the madness but how can I?

I have some cramps... last night while asleep, I felt a pang on my right side.  Of course all sorts of things in my head popped up while asleep... like ectopic and crap like that...  Then this morning it is just mild cramping in a general sense.  I don't want to test, but I find myself doing it "just in case".  And of course it is a BFN which floors my heart.

I should mention that things are not exactly harmonious in the home front.  Hubby and I have been at loggerheads for petty issues.  I know I should not dare bring my condition into this, but it drives me into the poor me auto.  I feel unsupported, like I am battling this on my own, like he does not really care.  Rationally, I know this is not necessarily true, but emotionally, I feel very alone.  At this point, he is busy with managing our investment property, trying to find a tenant which has been difficult.  He seems so immersed in that, that I don't think he thinks of anything else, aside from his work. We have not been talking about anything else aside from work, finding a house, finding a tenant.... all business, nothing personal.  At this point, I don't even think I want to talk about anything personal with him coz I hate it when I get all emotional and instead of getting my point across, I cry and cry... and sulk in the end of it all.  I have been down about things and I just don't feel strong to tackle difficult conversations. 



Hubs is a great guy in so many ways I could lose count.  But I don't feel that he is good at the emotional mushy stuff which is fine for the most part.  He also sucks at apologizing which drives me absolutely bonkers!  Speaking of the mushy, the way he handles this whole POI stuff is by saying that we will deal with it as it comes.  No emotions attached to it, nothing.  He says that he believes we will have a baby at some point, but is we don't, then that's that.  I have asked him severally on how he feels about it all and his response is; "well, we will just have to work on it until we cannot do it anymore".  "In my life, nothing comes easy, so I am ready to do the work".  He then goes ahead to let me know that I panic easy and there is no need for that.  He says that I tend to over think and throw myself into a tizzy.  Well sir, last I looked, the POI diagnosis is not a walk in the park!

I am kinda resentful about that, not that I would want him to have the same level of response like I do.  But I would want him to be more thoughtful before saying things like "I am overreacting".  That is the problem with having expectations....  I do not want to have any expectations, I should just take him as he is.  I don't know how to go about it anymore but to hold things in or blog them really.  I am thankful for this coz it lets me get things out of my chest. 



The whole resentment thing is my problem really.  It only messes with my heart and emotions, not his.  So I have to work around that. Oh dear!

Beautiful babies and wishes

This weekend, hubby's college bud, wife, and their adorable 9 month daughter visited.  Talk about heart shattering beautiful moments! 

I had to go look at our vacation photos to deal...  and so I posted some of them for good measure.

 

The lil munchkin was the happiest baby I have ever seen, and she was crazy about me!  She wanted to play with me and kept crawling my way even when I was in the kitchen cooking.  well, maybe coz I was enamored by her beauty and the fact that she was the epitome of what I could literally die for right now.  Oh, my.  What I would do for a baby! 

I think the mom might have gotten scared at how attached we were to her daughter, we even told them she was so cute we could steal her!  I used to say that in a joking manner before my predicament.  Now I am not sure whether this is a joke, or if given the opportunity, I would steal her and love her with every ounce of my blood!  Yeah, I know you think I am nuts... and maybe I am.

Munchkin's mother told me of her grueling birth story.  After a fairly seamless pregnancy, she almost died during the birthing process.  This prompted in emergency C-section and a 10 day stay at the hospital due to hemorrhaging.  She also suffered major wound dehiscing which meant wound vacs on her incision and home care for dressing changes.  While she was at the hospital for 10 days, her baby was discharged with daddy and grandma.  Having been on tons of opiates for the pain, she could not breast feed the baby.  She is sad that she did not get the true bonding with her baby in the first week of her life, as well as through breast feeding.  

I truly empathised with this mother and felt her pain.  But deep down within me, I remember thinking, if that was the sacrifice of having a baby, I will take it in a heartbeat and even ask for 10 more days at the hospital battling other crazies.  Yeah, I know that sounds straight up coo coo.... but that is exactly how I felt.  I think at this point, I feel like I could volunteer to fight in the worst war, bear life threatening illnesses, anything, as long as the end result is a healthy, happy baby.

However painful this was for me, it also helped me realize that I would do okay with adoption.  I think I could truly adopt a child and love them just as much!  Maybe this is the silver lining... I don't know.  But I have to figure out a way out of this miserable feeling that constantly haunts my inner being.  The yucky thought and feeling of inadequacy since I am half- a- woman.  Okay, so rationally I know I am all woman and have a lot to offer, but the fact that I have been told that I cannot have the one thing I knew I would have makes me feel this way.