Good to go - new beginnings

Yesterday was the follow-up apt with the RE after Daily Estradiol 150mcg x2 weeks.  This was meant to suppress the FSH and boy did it do just that!  My FSH was 2.6…. yup, 2.6!  I was too surprised because last time this was checked, it was 45.  I mentioned side effects: tender breasts, wt gain, bloated feeling and she decided to decrease it to 50 mcg twice a day.  I am okay with it and hope that things stay in a good place.  The Estradiol was <26 which according to her is good.  The antra follicle count was 2 on L.(2mm, 3mm) and 1 on R.(4mm) – well, don’t know what to think of this but I am hoping for miracles.  My lining was great at 8.4 (triphasic?).

I am well aware that people with POI do not tend to respond well to stim meds, but one can only hope.  I mean, what else do I have?  I am happy about the FSH drop because that is one hurdle down.  This gives me hope that something is doable.  It also hints that IVF might be possible in the future (I have heard you cannot do IVF if FSH is >10).   Just not sure this is the case with estradiol replacement – my body liked that.

She decided that this would be a great time to start Follistim 225 iu injections.  I picked it up from the pharmacy and talk about sticker shock!  Ouch!  A vial of 600 iu cost me $500 (do the math for 3 vials).  That is what happens when you have dual insurance and none of them covers infertility.  What a horror!  I called hubs who reminded me that we again… have to hope for the best and bite the bullet!  She, for some reason started me on a high dose (I now know this because I noticed that most ladies take about 50-150 IU).  In a way, I am glad that she wants this done without a slow titrate given my low numbers.

I am really hoping this helps my follies grow because that will be yet another hurdle jumped.  She was clear in stating that most people with my condition do not respond to these meds… yes, I heard you but hope can be one stubborn animal.  I will only go in with a grain of salt, or a mustard seed.....

Day one:  Hubs and I went back and forth on neither of us wanting to administer the medication.  He is scared of needles and I just could not see how I would jab myself with a needle.  I found a you-tube video which helped him some.  Top that with him practicing on a tomato.  Oh the drama coming from Mr. strong himselfJ .  Finally, he garnered the guts and stated that he would take care of it; and there I was, creaming like a crazed woman that I was scared… read: too dramatic for TV! Lol.  Anyways, it was not even painful plus it was over and done before I knew it.  Success!  Here is to my first Follistim injection.  Scratch that…. My first ever subcutaneous injection on my belly!

I realized that I had not asked about exercise and BD later in the day when hubs asked me about it.  Turns out I can exercise and BD as much as I want for now.  Hubs was happy to hear about the latterJ

Gratitude

Happy Friday y’all!  Fridays always make me feel excitable because I do not have to wake up early Saturday morning.  I am sure some or most of you understand that very well. 

First, I would like to thank Aislinn of http://msbabymakin.blogspot.com/ for the wonderful gift of the paracord awareness bracelet (see below).  I am super excited about this!  Thanks Aislinn!  May your journey be Blessed with a bundle of joy in your arms.

 

Secondly, I feel so grateful to have my husband as my life partner.  I am amazed at his propensity to make my life better in more ways than one.  He has truly been there for me even when I do not deserve his constant assurance and love.  I need to do better in terms of loving, giving, listening, assuring, and pleasing him.  Besides, what good am I being nicer to strangers than I am to him?

I am also grateful for last weekend.  It being a long weekend allowed us to have a mini-getaway.  Isn’t this beautiful?  This is a view of Lake Tahoe from above.  I took this pic from the Heavenly gondolas up above.

 As much as I did not realize, this trip really allowed us to focus on each other and remember what is important.  Sometimes we are so busy going through the wringers of life that we forget to have some fun or pay attention to all the Blessings around us.  A few things I was reminded of were the fact that I have a best friend for a hubs… I can pretty much tell him anything and we have fun together.  His goofiness totally puts me at ease when I am sweating small stuff.  I love that I can be myself in all ways, and I mean ALL ways and he will still think of me as the cutest thing in the world.  I mean, what did I do to deserve such a great man?! 

I am also grateful for sunsets.  I think they are a great reminder that even with all that goes on in the world and in our lives, beauty exists.  I see God in sunsets.  I just love them.  They exude peace, joy and tranquility to me.   I took this photo on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe and in all honesty, the pic does not do it justice. 

I am grateful for the lack of hot flashes... this is not to mentione the ugly side of Estradiol - read wt gain...  It is kinda nice to be comfortable and sleep like a baby again.  I know this is short lived but I am grateful altogether. 

I don’t think I mentioned that we started seeing a therapist.  This I am grateful for!  We are still establishing rapport (seen her twice) but I feel that she has already been essential in helping us deal with a lot of things.  I am now able to look at hubs point of view in dealing with the throws of complicated-baby-making.  He is also able to see things from my point of view.  This I know because he has been working hard at meeting me from my place instead of asking me to shake it off and keep moving coz life is not fair.  Yes, you heard it... that is his way of dealing.  Instead of me looking at it like he does not care, I now know that this is just how he deals with tragic problems.  He has been through a few tragedies and has emerged strong and focused.  Our goal is to go in weekly, and I feel good about this one.  We should have done it sooner.  I think everyone should look into thisJ

Slow learner

I went in for my appointment yesterday.  This was CD14 post fake-flow.

I had been religiously temping and checking OPKs which is futile given it gives off positive vibes even when it should not be.  What a waste!  But, no, I keep doing it because it is dysfunctional and feeds my type A need to be in control.

I am used to the disappointments.  Of course despite it being CD 14, I have two lonely follies, one on each side.  One is 3mm and the other 2 mm; umm, why even bother?  Did all the potential babies slough off leaving me with tired lil follies? 

I expressed my concern to the RE.  I was unhappy about being in limbo and almost felt like she had given up on me.  She said that she understood my sentiment.  She did not want me wasting money on meds that will most likely not lead to anything.  My FSH was already higher that she pushes it with meds.  She said that studies have shown that POF cases were able to ovulate on meds just not get pregnant.  I told her that I wanted to try, whether it amounts to anything or not.  I believe the idea of a slim chance is better than nothing at this point.  Is this really true?  What happens to all the people with POF that have been successful?  Am I being naïve and stubborn? 

I was surprised when she said that she is open to try despite having done a lot of research that is not very optimistic for someone in my position.   I understand that most of these research institutions heavily rely on evidence based medicine, but I want to try anything and everything before giving up.  I want to give her another chance here (yes, I know... I am a very slow learner).

Hubs and I decided that we will give this one try prior to moving on to a different clinic.  He is concerned that the meds might mess with my already fragile body.  He is worried that stimulating follie production will push me further into the menopausal stage sooner that I have already made it.

Given my ovaries look like CD3 ovaries i.e. quite dormant, I can start with the high dose estradiol today.  I am truly hoping that this will suppress my very high FSH (45).  Please body, work with me here.  I have been so good to you, feeding you only healthy food, working you out, pleasing you with massages, nourishing you with TLC.  Please cooperate for once.  You have been such a bad girl but I still love you.  Time to love me back and show it!

All things fake

Last week I had my fake AF and even after 46 days of waiting, I was not excited to see it coz it felt soo.... well.. fake!  I felt like I had passed an exam after cheating all the way.  I am worried that this is the new normal for me but what to do.  It's beyond my control and I have to keep reminding myself this much.

My body has really been doing a fantastic job at fooling me and messing with my head.  To add the icing on the fake flo cake, I had an LH surge (positive OPK) and temp drop on CD 5.  Then of course it was a neg after that.  Just lovely but poor hubs had to get on gross BD "just incase".  I mean, we both know that is one of those fake LH surges like we had in July but hope is something tough:)  I am scheduled to go in for an U/S next week but I am not too hopeful coz my RE does not want me on meds so the only option she is giving me at this point in unmedicated IUI or try naturally.  To me, this sounds like a complete waste of my time but I keep going back.

I need a better RE that is fighting for this cause, at least that is how I feel.  I like her proximity from my job coz then I can just walk there for an hour then come back to work without taking time off for the many appts.  Anyone know of a good RE in the Bay area?  I am in PA.

I have also been wondering about HRT.  I am on the patch and it is annoying and irritating on my skin to say the least.  I am thinking oral HRT would be better for me.  Anyone with better suggestions on what has worked for you?
 
This weekend was great hanging out with hubs all the way.  I had to shrug the girlfriends off and pay attention to my number one fan:)  We also did an outside professional photo shoot just cause:)  I hope the pics look good!  I love this man of mine:)

Spoilt musings

This weekend was lovely!  I spent it getting spoilt by hubs.  He is such a darling... and it was all a surprise.  I woke up on Saturday thinking that I would be going to an art and wine festival then later go out with a good friend.  Little did I know that hubs had other plans, with my birthday coming up. 

He just asked me to dress up and be ready by 10 am and took me to a champaigne brunch cruise... very nice!  It was such a romantic time and I couldn't help thinking how lucky I am:)

In the afternoon, he asked that I change into something comfortable and took me to a prof soccer game (I had been asking that we go to a game and check it out).  This was too much fun and we had such a good spot!  We were literally sitting behind the sub players!  Top it off; our team won! 

I just felt really bad for my friend coz I had to stand her up for the day!  But she totally understood:)

On sunday, he asked to take me out for lunch.  Little did I know that he had called my friends and asked them to join us for lunch.  This is especially special since we moved away from my family and have only met a few people in the area.  Isn't he adorable?  So, I spent Sunday afternoon with friends, laughter and good food.  I love this man!

And the funnest part of it all... it was not really my birthday yet... that is tomorrow:)  I am officially a very spoilt girl!  

On other news, I still have not see the likes of AF... this being CD 37.  I have resigned to popping the progest pills and see where it takes me.  Let's hope for the ol lady Flo to show up in 12 days or so.  Aaah the joys!  I should mention that I decided to take a break from all the diet restrictions this weekend... I mean, who goes to a "champagne bruunch" and says no to endless mimosas?  Def not me!

I was also held under trigger to try out the various sweet things on the desert table:)  It is kosher to not pig out!  Now that I am back to reality...... same ol boring diet back in my life!