Good to go - new beginnings

Yesterday was the follow-up apt with the RE after Daily Estradiol 150mcg x2 weeks.  This was meant to suppress the FSH and boy did it do just that!  My FSH was 2.6…. yup, 2.6!  I was too surprised because last time this was checked, it was 45.  I mentioned side effects: tender breasts, wt gain, bloated feeling and she decided to decrease it to 50 mcg twice a day.  I am okay with it and hope that things stay in a good place.  The Estradiol was <26 which according to her is good.  The antra follicle count was 2 on L.(2mm, 3mm) and 1 on R.(4mm) – well, don’t know what to think of this but I am hoping for miracles.  My lining was great at 8.4 (triphasic?).

I am well aware that people with POI do not tend to respond well to stim meds, but one can only hope.  I mean, what else do I have?  I am happy about the FSH drop because that is one hurdle down.  This gives me hope that something is doable.  It also hints that IVF might be possible in the future (I have heard you cannot do IVF if FSH is >10).   Just not sure this is the case with estradiol replacement – my body liked that.

She decided that this would be a great time to start Follistim 225 iu injections.  I picked it up from the pharmacy and talk about sticker shock!  Ouch!  A vial of 600 iu cost me $500 (do the math for 3 vials).  That is what happens when you have dual insurance and none of them covers infertility.  What a horror!  I called hubs who reminded me that we again… have to hope for the best and bite the bullet!  She, for some reason started me on a high dose (I now know this because I noticed that most ladies take about 50-150 IU).  In a way, I am glad that she wants this done without a slow titrate given my low numbers.

I am really hoping this helps my follies grow because that will be yet another hurdle jumped.  She was clear in stating that most people with my condition do not respond to these meds… yes, I heard you but hope can be one stubborn animal.  I will only go in with a grain of salt, or a mustard seed.....

Day one:  Hubs and I went back and forth on neither of us wanting to administer the medication.  He is scared of needles and I just could not see how I would jab myself with a needle.  I found a you-tube video which helped him some.  Top that with him practicing on a tomato.  Oh the drama coming from Mr. strong himselfJ .  Finally, he garnered the guts and stated that he would take care of it; and there I was, creaming like a crazed woman that I was scared… read: too dramatic for TV! Lol.  Anyways, it was not even painful plus it was over and done before I knew it.  Success!  Here is to my first Follistim injection.  Scratch that…. My first ever subcutaneous injection on my belly!

I realized that I had not asked about exercise and BD later in the day when hubs asked me about it.  Turns out I can exercise and BD as much as I want for now.  Hubs was happy to hear about the latterJ

September

September is upon us.  I had a great weekend to finish August off.  We spent the weekend at Lake Tahoe and it was just so beautiful!  There were a lot of kids and I found myself hoping to have a little one of my own too that I can take to our various travels.  We found ourselves talking about what we would let our child/ren do.  What a perfect place to take kids!

Despite that fact, we had a blast, which we always do.  We are good company to each other.  Apart from my supplement regimen, I did not obsess about my condition, which to me, is a success.  I seek to let go of that which I have no control over.  The only time we do not see eye to eye when it comes to getaways is that hubs is not a nightlife person.  When I am on vacation, I want to let loose and go all out, which includes dancing the night away or listening to music at a lounge.  He would rather go back to the room and “watch” each other or TV. 

One of the reasons I am glad to see September is that August kinda bombed on me… just like July.  No ovulation=no chance for baby, and that is what Aug meant to me.  I also turned a year older, so did hubs.  Is there a way to stop the clock while we deal with this monster called unconventional baby-making?

This is my second week on the estrogen pills and let me tell ya, I am feeling bloated and have gained 5 lbs. in one week.  I am at my heaviest weight and I am truly worried.  Is this supposed to happen with just high dose Estrogen?  Am I looking at more weight gain with the other meds?  That worries me.  At the risk of sounding vain; I would rather not be gaining a pound.  How can I deal with this?  I exercised each morning we were at Tahoe and intend to continue exercising.  I do feel heavy, bloated, occasional mild cramping, sore mammary glands (lol) and of course I feel so huge.  Am I even supposed to be exercising heavily at this time?  On the bright side, the hot flushes have completely abated... I mean, gone with no peeking behavior.  Something they did with the low dose patches.  

The goal is to get on Follistim if my ovaries respond to 1.5 mg/day of Estrogen.  I worry that this high dose of Estrogen will make me susceptible to breast cancer but I have to try.  I will not be the first nor the last to give this a try.  So God help me. 

As for my dear Hopie Hope, I love you before I have even met you, wherever you are... so does your handsone daddy!  We can't wait to meet you munchkin... 

"For I know the Plans I have for you, says the Lord".

All things fake

Last week I had my fake AF and even after 46 days of waiting, I was not excited to see it coz it felt soo.... well.. fake!  I felt like I had passed an exam after cheating all the way.  I am worried that this is the new normal for me but what to do.  It's beyond my control and I have to keep reminding myself this much.

My body has really been doing a fantastic job at fooling me and messing with my head.  To add the icing on the fake flo cake, I had an LH surge (positive OPK) and temp drop on CD 5.  Then of course it was a neg after that.  Just lovely but poor hubs had to get on gross BD "just incase".  I mean, we both know that is one of those fake LH surges like we had in July but hope is something tough:)  I am scheduled to go in for an U/S next week but I am not too hopeful coz my RE does not want me on meds so the only option she is giving me at this point in unmedicated IUI or try naturally.  To me, this sounds like a complete waste of my time but I keep going back.

I need a better RE that is fighting for this cause, at least that is how I feel.  I like her proximity from my job coz then I can just walk there for an hour then come back to work without taking time off for the many appts.  Anyone know of a good RE in the Bay area?  I am in PA.

I have also been wondering about HRT.  I am on the patch and it is annoying and irritating on my skin to say the least.  I am thinking oral HRT would be better for me.  Anyone with better suggestions on what has worked for you?
 
This weekend was great hanging out with hubs all the way.  I had to shrug the girlfriends off and pay attention to my number one fan:)  We also did an outside professional photo shoot just cause:)  I hope the pics look good!  I love this man of mine:)

Memory Monday

I remember the days when I was so scared of getting pregnant and would literally freak out at the thought of it.  My focus in academia and doing things "the right way".

I remember my love for children from a young age... people would ask me to babysit coz I was just in love with little kids.  We got along great; I loved them, they loved me.

I remember the plans hubs and I made in regards to family; two children, maybe adopt one.

I remember the first time I had a pregnancy scare and my heart was literally in my mouth.  Now I know that when I do get preggers, my heart will be in my mouth from joy.

I remember being cautioned against teen pregnancy on a very regular basis by my mother..... this especially when she saw me flirting with boys.

I remember questioning whether I would like to have babies in the future, and whether I would be a good mother.  Now I know that I would love love love to be a mother and will try to be the best mother my munchkin will ever have.

  

IUI #1

I had the LH surge yesterday, which of course meant calling my RE to see whether she can see me ASAP.  Thankfully, she was able to see me this morning.  A few small follies on both sides, lining 8 mm (from 4mm last week), and  fluid in left ovary.  She also asked that hubs donate his offspring early this morning so that it can get washed.  Things looked good on his end (as always).

Unfortunately, she was not able to catch "THE" follicle if there ever was any.  Although my lining had improved, it would be hard to tell for sure with me being on the Estrogen patch.  This meant that;

a)  I ovulated sometime last night given she could not see any follicle but could see fluid in the L. ovary; meaning the follicle had ruptured.

b)  I did not ovulate, the surge was another false positive and the lining was just thick d/t recent boost from the patch.  In this case, no particular explanation for the fluid in the L. ovary.

She gave me a 60% chance that I ovulated.  Sounds like the weatherman predicting rain or shine when they have ablsolutely no clue of either or, but to hubs and I, this was high enough to give IUI a chance.   She said that she would do the same were she in our shoes.  We decided to go ahead and do the first IUI today.

I guess I can say that I am lucky coz I did not have to take stim medication d/t my high FSH and the fact that I am still ovulating pretty regularly (that is if infact I did ovulate). I would be a poor responder anyways.  So, I did not have to poke  and prod myself or subject hubs to the trauma of poking me.  He is seriously afraid of needles which I think is so funny.  Bear in mind that this is the same guy who can take just about anything,.... a truly manly man...lol

I thought that getting IUI would make me so anxious and worried every single second.... but in all honesty, it put me at a peace I never thought I would have.  Although this puts me into the 2 week wait category, I am not anxious or worried.  I am ready for IUI #2 if that is what it boils down to.  I have to stay positive.  I have to let go of my sense of control.

I think my attending the resolve meeting last night really made a difference for me.  I talked to the ladies who were very candid about their lives, and how they have learnt to deal with the situation by letting go!  I need this like I need a baby.  Just letting go and for me, letting God!  He is the one who knows what my plan is.

They also mentioned how it is important to live this life... this beautiful life.  Something I have not been doing lately given my obsession with all things infertility and POF.  On my way home, I was just so glad I went to the meeting.

I feel grateful today, for being able to do this and for hubs... he was such a champion this week with me going bonkers with the whole ovulation thing.  I am such a lucky girl!  I hope the luck extends in a lil Blessing.  If not this month... hopefully in the future.

Hills and valleys

AS I write this, I wish I had good news to write.  This is what I typed up on the 2nd:

This week started on a good note.  After AF showing up over the weekend, I had the usual RE check.  This was so far the most positive appointment I have had so far.  Looks like I have 3 beautiful follies on the L. at 4mm each.. and 2 not so ambitious ones on the R. at 2 mm each.  Uterine lining at 3.3 which is ok given it being the 4th day of my cycle.  RE was happy with the results and wants me to come back in a week.  We will see how this goes but I am definitely praying for positivity.  I am charging all my positive cations on this one!
Hubs and I have decided to attack this cyle from all ends thus the decision to go IUI if feasible.  Decisions will be made next week and I am happy about this.

Natures way to fuck with me.... on the 8th morning, the OPK was positive which sent me to cloud nine.  Even had hubby come back from his trip to the gym for BD.  The 8th was also the followup day with my RE.  That excitement was crushed as soon as she did the US and stated that I was not about to ovulate given the size of my follies and thin lining.  They had not grown one bit...... not cool!  So, there I was, sent on my merry way, and nothing can be done.

According to my RE, she cannot do anything with me because my body is already producing high levels of FSH, so I would not be pre-medicated for IUI.  But if this is the case, how will I catch this ovulation?

The OPK was positive for 2 days then has been negative since.  Looks like I am not ovulating this month which scares me.  Was last month the last ovulation I would have the O in a long time?

I am so confused.  How do doctors deal with people like me?  Surely they do not send them home and tell them to wait do they?

Life with POI

If I did not know any better, I would for the umpteenth time, think I was preggers.  This, like most people struggling with infertility, is the order of the two weeks after ovulation... aah the joys!  not!

The hot flashes are back today!  I hate them with all my being because they remind me of my ovarian failure, insufficiency, inadequacy, shortcomings... all that and more.  They woke me up at around 4 am today and it was on and off from then.  This morning on my way to work, I felt like I was on fire.. Maybe it is about time I bite the bullet and take the estrogen.  I just wonder whether I will take it concurrently with the herbs... always confused!

I have nausea that is making me feel like crap.  As time progresses, I notice that I get nausea on the week AF shows her face.  I just think that is hella unfair because it makes me think I am preggers every time without fail..  Seriously, that is the world's way of fucking with my brain and I loath it!  I also have a light headache and a feeling of fogginess.  Well of course the fogginess could be part of the hormonal imbalance or PMS.  Who the heck knows anymore.  My breasts are a tad engorged but sometimes I wonder whether I am reading into everything..  This whole self awareness is not healthy coz then you sit there listening to every symptom your body might have:)  A little twinge here, a pang there... they all come with a lot of reading into.  It could totally be unrelated but it all means something related to nothing... I want to stop with the madness but how can I?

I have some cramps... last night while asleep, I felt a pang on my right side.  Of course all sorts of things in my head popped up while asleep... like ectopic and crap like that...  Then this morning it is just mild cramping in a general sense.  I don't want to test, but I find myself doing it "just in case".  And of course it is a BFN which floors my heart.

I should mention that things are not exactly harmonious in the home front.  Hubby and I have been at loggerheads for petty issues.  I know I should not dare bring my condition into this, but it drives me into the poor me auto.  I feel unsupported, like I am battling this on my own, like he does not really care.  Rationally, I know this is not necessarily true, but emotionally, I feel very alone.  At this point, he is busy with managing our investment property, trying to find a tenant which has been difficult.  He seems so immersed in that, that I don't think he thinks of anything else, aside from his work. We have not been talking about anything else aside from work, finding a house, finding a tenant.... all business, nothing personal.  At this point, I don't even think I want to talk about anything personal with him coz I hate it when I get all emotional and instead of getting my point across, I cry and cry... and sulk in the end of it all.  I have been down about things and I just don't feel strong to tackle difficult conversations. 



Hubs is a great guy in so many ways I could lose count.  But I don't feel that he is good at the emotional mushy stuff which is fine for the most part.  He also sucks at apologizing which drives me absolutely bonkers!  Speaking of the mushy, the way he handles this whole POI stuff is by saying that we will deal with it as it comes.  No emotions attached to it, nothing.  He says that he believes we will have a baby at some point, but is we don't, then that's that.  I have asked him severally on how he feels about it all and his response is; "well, we will just have to work on it until we cannot do it anymore".  "In my life, nothing comes easy, so I am ready to do the work".  He then goes ahead to let me know that I panic easy and there is no need for that.  He says that I tend to over think and throw myself into a tizzy.  Well sir, last I looked, the POI diagnosis is not a walk in the park!

I am kinda resentful about that, not that I would want him to have the same level of response like I do.  But I would want him to be more thoughtful before saying things like "I am overreacting".  That is the problem with having expectations....  I do not want to have any expectations, I should just take him as he is.  I don't know how to go about it anymore but to hold things in or blog them really.  I am thankful for this coz it lets me get things out of my chest. 



The whole resentment thing is my problem really.  It only messes with my heart and emotions, not his.  So I have to work around that. Oh dear!

Sinking in

May is awareness month for me.  I decide to start eating healthy, I dramatically cut my sugar and meat intake.  I read a few books focusing on natural fertility for infertility.  I realize what an uphill battle we are in for.  Not sure hubs is there yet.  In addition to fish oil and prenatal, I start taking Vit D per my RE's recommendation, DHEA, Vitex, and CoQ10.  I am still getting acupuncture.  The RE recommends we get regular on the baby dance, which we do.....  We learn that scheduling BD every other day works best since ovulation is as unpredictable as you all get.

The hot flashes return end of April then they quietly disappeared on the 2nd week of May..
I believe I ovulated on the 16th based on my temps.... Unfortunately, I didn't have an OPK, so I can't say for certain.....