Good to go - new beginnings

Yesterday was the follow-up apt with the RE after Daily Estradiol 150mcg x2 weeks.  This was meant to suppress the FSH and boy did it do just that!  My FSH was 2.6…. yup, 2.6!  I was too surprised because last time this was checked, it was 45.  I mentioned side effects: tender breasts, wt gain, bloated feeling and she decided to decrease it to 50 mcg twice a day.  I am okay with it and hope that things stay in a good place.  The Estradiol was <26 which according to her is good.  The antra follicle count was 2 on L.(2mm, 3mm) and 1 on R.(4mm) – well, don’t know what to think of this but I am hoping for miracles.  My lining was great at 8.4 (triphasic?).

I am well aware that people with POI do not tend to respond well to stim meds, but one can only hope.  I mean, what else do I have?  I am happy about the FSH drop because that is one hurdle down.  This gives me hope that something is doable.  It also hints that IVF might be possible in the future (I have heard you cannot do IVF if FSH is >10).   Just not sure this is the case with estradiol replacement – my body liked that.

She decided that this would be a great time to start Follistim 225 iu injections.  I picked it up from the pharmacy and talk about sticker shock!  Ouch!  A vial of 600 iu cost me $500 (do the math for 3 vials).  That is what happens when you have dual insurance and none of them covers infertility.  What a horror!  I called hubs who reminded me that we again… have to hope for the best and bite the bullet!  She, for some reason started me on a high dose (I now know this because I noticed that most ladies take about 50-150 IU).  In a way, I am glad that she wants this done without a slow titrate given my low numbers.

I am really hoping this helps my follies grow because that will be yet another hurdle jumped.  She was clear in stating that most people with my condition do not respond to these meds… yes, I heard you but hope can be one stubborn animal.  I will only go in with a grain of salt, or a mustard seed.....

Day one:  Hubs and I went back and forth on neither of us wanting to administer the medication.  He is scared of needles and I just could not see how I would jab myself with a needle.  I found a you-tube video which helped him some.  Top that with him practicing on a tomato.  Oh the drama coming from Mr. strong himselfJ .  Finally, he garnered the guts and stated that he would take care of it; and there I was, creaming like a crazed woman that I was scared… read: too dramatic for TV! Lol.  Anyways, it was not even painful plus it was over and done before I knew it.  Success!  Here is to my first Follistim injection.  Scratch that…. My first ever subcutaneous injection on my belly!

I realized that I had not asked about exercise and BD later in the day when hubs asked me about it.  Turns out I can exercise and BD as much as I want for now.  Hubs was happy to hear about the latterJ

Slow learner

I went in for my appointment yesterday.  This was CD14 post fake-flow.

I had been religiously temping and checking OPKs which is futile given it gives off positive vibes even when it should not be.  What a waste!  But, no, I keep doing it because it is dysfunctional and feeds my type A need to be in control.

I am used to the disappointments.  Of course despite it being CD 14, I have two lonely follies, one on each side.  One is 3mm and the other 2 mm; umm, why even bother?  Did all the potential babies slough off leaving me with tired lil follies? 

I expressed my concern to the RE.  I was unhappy about being in limbo and almost felt like she had given up on me.  She said that she understood my sentiment.  She did not want me wasting money on meds that will most likely not lead to anything.  My FSH was already higher that she pushes it with meds.  She said that studies have shown that POF cases were able to ovulate on meds just not get pregnant.  I told her that I wanted to try, whether it amounts to anything or not.  I believe the idea of a slim chance is better than nothing at this point.  Is this really true?  What happens to all the people with POF that have been successful?  Am I being naïve and stubborn? 

I was surprised when she said that she is open to try despite having done a lot of research that is not very optimistic for someone in my position.   I understand that most of these research institutions heavily rely on evidence based medicine, but I want to try anything and everything before giving up.  I want to give her another chance here (yes, I know... I am a very slow learner).

Hubs and I decided that we will give this one try prior to moving on to a different clinic.  He is concerned that the meds might mess with my already fragile body.  He is worried that stimulating follie production will push me further into the menopausal stage sooner that I have already made it.

Given my ovaries look like CD3 ovaries i.e. quite dormant, I can start with the high dose estradiol today.  I am truly hoping that this will suppress my very high FSH (45).  Please body, work with me here.  I have been so good to you, feeding you only healthy food, working you out, pleasing you with massages, nourishing you with TLC.  Please cooperate for once.  You have been such a bad girl but I still love you.  Time to love me back and show it!

Limbo

¹lim·bo

noun \ˈlim-(ˌ)bō\

plural limbos

Bottom of Form

Definition of LIMBO

1 often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism

2 a : a place or state of restraint or confinement

b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion <proposals kept in limbo>

c : an intermediate or transitional place or state

d : a state of uncertainty

Origin of LIMBO

Middle English, from Medieval Latin, abl. of limbus limbo, from Latin, border

First Known Use: 14th century

I am in a state of Limbo, not knowing what to do or how to proceed.  Definition 2a hits the nail on the head for me.  Not to be confused with the limbo dance in the pic..  I know most well-meaning people will wonder why the heck I cannot “just” move on.  I realize I have a dysfunctional way of looking at things.  Sometimes end up being inconvenienced in my attempt to avoid just that.  I do realize that we are currently in a baseless money-pit that will not get us anywhere.  I want to move on with the whole RE thing, not sure where to go that will be close to work so I do not have to take days off from work for one hour appointments. 

I am afraid that I will not ovulate this month either.  I am well aware that this is the nature of my diagnosis, just having difficulty with it all.  I am temping and using OPKs and the reality bites.  I tell myself that I will stop doing it but who am I kidding?  It is somewhat addictive and the only thing I have left that I can do sans the diet changes.

When I started acupuncture, I went with it like it was the holy grail of all fertility problems.  Now, I look at it as a way to keep me calm and grounded.  I am afraid I am losing faith in it but continue to do it “just in case”.  Not to forget taking the aweful tasting herbs - which I could not begin to describe the amount of gas they are giving me! uuurgh!

I have also been depriving myself of all things pleasurable (at least in my eyes and mouth) such as sweets, coffee, wine, ice cream, etc. etc…  The other day I wanted a bite of Hubs Nutella covered toast and he reminded me that I was not supposed to eat that.  I told him that I thought that was crap because avoiding sugar, caffeine or wine will not increase my eggs.  Part of me wants to believe that if I do all these things, then I will be paid off for being a “good girl” and the payoff will be well worth it AKA a bundle of joy.  The other part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and let nature/fate take its course. 

Given I do not want to live in regret; I choose to be a good girl and follow everything I have heard or read about.  At least I would like to say I tried.  There is also something to be said about guilt and my Catholic school upbringingJ.  Since I would rather have a clear conscience… here is to no sugar, coffee, ice cream or wine!  POF will not steal my spirit though; I refuse to succumb to the misery that I almost drowned in.

I have a girl’s day out tomorrow.  Lunch and Spa day are just what I ordered!  I am looking forward to that.

Now, I need to get off the blogs and get to find an RE who might help me!

IUI #1

I had the LH surge yesterday, which of course meant calling my RE to see whether she can see me ASAP.  Thankfully, she was able to see me this morning.  A few small follies on both sides, lining 8 mm (from 4mm last week), and  fluid in left ovary.  She also asked that hubs donate his offspring early this morning so that it can get washed.  Things looked good on his end (as always).

Unfortunately, she was not able to catch "THE" follicle if there ever was any.  Although my lining had improved, it would be hard to tell for sure with me being on the Estrogen patch.  This meant that;

a)  I ovulated sometime last night given she could not see any follicle but could see fluid in the L. ovary; meaning the follicle had ruptured.

b)  I did not ovulate, the surge was another false positive and the lining was just thick d/t recent boost from the patch.  In this case, no particular explanation for the fluid in the L. ovary.

She gave me a 60% chance that I ovulated.  Sounds like the weatherman predicting rain or shine when they have ablsolutely no clue of either or, but to hubs and I, this was high enough to give IUI a chance.   She said that she would do the same were she in our shoes.  We decided to go ahead and do the first IUI today.

I guess I can say that I am lucky coz I did not have to take stim medication d/t my high FSH and the fact that I am still ovulating pretty regularly (that is if infact I did ovulate). I would be a poor responder anyways.  So, I did not have to poke  and prod myself or subject hubs to the trauma of poking me.  He is seriously afraid of needles which I think is so funny.  Bear in mind that this is the same guy who can take just about anything,.... a truly manly man...lol

I thought that getting IUI would make me so anxious and worried every single second.... but in all honesty, it put me at a peace I never thought I would have.  Although this puts me into the 2 week wait category, I am not anxious or worried.  I am ready for IUI #2 if that is what it boils down to.  I have to stay positive.  I have to let go of my sense of control.

I think my attending the resolve meeting last night really made a difference for me.  I talked to the ladies who were very candid about their lives, and how they have learnt to deal with the situation by letting go!  I need this like I need a baby.  Just letting go and for me, letting God!  He is the one who knows what my plan is.

They also mentioned how it is important to live this life... this beautiful life.  Something I have not been doing lately given my obsession with all things infertility and POF.  On my way home, I was just so glad I went to the meeting.

I feel grateful today, for being able to do this and for hubs... he was such a champion this week with me going bonkers with the whole ovulation thing.  I am such a lucky girl!  I hope the luck extends in a lil Blessing.  If not this month... hopefully in the future.

Hills and valleys

AS I write this, I wish I had good news to write.  This is what I typed up on the 2nd:

This week started on a good note.  After AF showing up over the weekend, I had the usual RE check.  This was so far the most positive appointment I have had so far.  Looks like I have 3 beautiful follies on the L. at 4mm each.. and 2 not so ambitious ones on the R. at 2 mm each.  Uterine lining at 3.3 which is ok given it being the 4th day of my cycle.  RE was happy with the results and wants me to come back in a week.  We will see how this goes but I am definitely praying for positivity.  I am charging all my positive cations on this one!
Hubs and I have decided to attack this cyle from all ends thus the decision to go IUI if feasible.  Decisions will be made next week and I am happy about this.

Natures way to fuck with me.... on the 8th morning, the OPK was positive which sent me to cloud nine.  Even had hubby come back from his trip to the gym for BD.  The 8th was also the followup day with my RE.  That excitement was crushed as soon as she did the US and stated that I was not about to ovulate given the size of my follies and thin lining.  They had not grown one bit...... not cool!  So, there I was, sent on my merry way, and nothing can be done.

According to my RE, she cannot do anything with me because my body is already producing high levels of FSH, so I would not be pre-medicated for IUI.  But if this is the case, how will I catch this ovulation?

The OPK was positive for 2 days then has been negative since.  Looks like I am not ovulating this month which scares me.  Was last month the last ovulation I would have the O in a long time?

I am so confused.  How do doctors deal with people like me?  Surely they do not send them home and tell them to wait do they?

Life with POI

If I did not know any better, I would for the umpteenth time, think I was preggers.  This, like most people struggling with infertility, is the order of the two weeks after ovulation... aah the joys!  not!

The hot flashes are back today!  I hate them with all my being because they remind me of my ovarian failure, insufficiency, inadequacy, shortcomings... all that and more.  They woke me up at around 4 am today and it was on and off from then.  This morning on my way to work, I felt like I was on fire.. Maybe it is about time I bite the bullet and take the estrogen.  I just wonder whether I will take it concurrently with the herbs... always confused!

I have nausea that is making me feel like crap.  As time progresses, I notice that I get nausea on the week AF shows her face.  I just think that is hella unfair because it makes me think I am preggers every time without fail..  Seriously, that is the world's way of fucking with my brain and I loath it!  I also have a light headache and a feeling of fogginess.  Well of course the fogginess could be part of the hormonal imbalance or PMS.  Who the heck knows anymore.  My breasts are a tad engorged but sometimes I wonder whether I am reading into everything..  This whole self awareness is not healthy coz then you sit there listening to every symptom your body might have:)  A little twinge here, a pang there... they all come with a lot of reading into.  It could totally be unrelated but it all means something related to nothing... I want to stop with the madness but how can I?

I have some cramps... last night while asleep, I felt a pang on my right side.  Of course all sorts of things in my head popped up while asleep... like ectopic and crap like that...  Then this morning it is just mild cramping in a general sense.  I don't want to test, but I find myself doing it "just in case".  And of course it is a BFN which floors my heart.

I should mention that things are not exactly harmonious in the home front.  Hubby and I have been at loggerheads for petty issues.  I know I should not dare bring my condition into this, but it drives me into the poor me auto.  I feel unsupported, like I am battling this on my own, like he does not really care.  Rationally, I know this is not necessarily true, but emotionally, I feel very alone.  At this point, he is busy with managing our investment property, trying to find a tenant which has been difficult.  He seems so immersed in that, that I don't think he thinks of anything else, aside from his work. We have not been talking about anything else aside from work, finding a house, finding a tenant.... all business, nothing personal.  At this point, I don't even think I want to talk about anything personal with him coz I hate it when I get all emotional and instead of getting my point across, I cry and cry... and sulk in the end of it all.  I have been down about things and I just don't feel strong to tackle difficult conversations. 



Hubs is a great guy in so many ways I could lose count.  But I don't feel that he is good at the emotional mushy stuff which is fine for the most part.  He also sucks at apologizing which drives me absolutely bonkers!  Speaking of the mushy, the way he handles this whole POI stuff is by saying that we will deal with it as it comes.  No emotions attached to it, nothing.  He says that he believes we will have a baby at some point, but is we don't, then that's that.  I have asked him severally on how he feels about it all and his response is; "well, we will just have to work on it until we cannot do it anymore".  "In my life, nothing comes easy, so I am ready to do the work".  He then goes ahead to let me know that I panic easy and there is no need for that.  He says that I tend to over think and throw myself into a tizzy.  Well sir, last I looked, the POI diagnosis is not a walk in the park!

I am kinda resentful about that, not that I would want him to have the same level of response like I do.  But I would want him to be more thoughtful before saying things like "I am overreacting".  That is the problem with having expectations....  I do not want to have any expectations, I should just take him as he is.  I don't know how to go about it anymore but to hold things in or blog them really.  I am thankful for this coz it lets me get things out of my chest. 



The whole resentment thing is my problem really.  It only messes with my heart and emotions, not his.  So I have to work around that. Oh dear!

Beautiful babies and wishes

This weekend, hubby's college bud, wife, and their adorable 9 month daughter visited.  Talk about heart shattering beautiful moments! 

I had to go look at our vacation photos to deal...  and so I posted some of them for good measure.

 

The lil munchkin was the happiest baby I have ever seen, and she was crazy about me!  She wanted to play with me and kept crawling my way even when I was in the kitchen cooking.  well, maybe coz I was enamored by her beauty and the fact that she was the epitome of what I could literally die for right now.  Oh, my.  What I would do for a baby! 

I think the mom might have gotten scared at how attached we were to her daughter, we even told them she was so cute we could steal her!  I used to say that in a joking manner before my predicament.  Now I am not sure whether this is a joke, or if given the opportunity, I would steal her and love her with every ounce of my blood!  Yeah, I know you think I am nuts... and maybe I am.

Munchkin's mother told me of her grueling birth story.  After a fairly seamless pregnancy, she almost died during the birthing process.  This prompted in emergency C-section and a 10 day stay at the hospital due to hemorrhaging.  She also suffered major wound dehiscing which meant wound vacs on her incision and home care for dressing changes.  While she was at the hospital for 10 days, her baby was discharged with daddy and grandma.  Having been on tons of opiates for the pain, she could not breast feed the baby.  She is sad that she did not get the true bonding with her baby in the first week of her life, as well as through breast feeding.  

I truly empathised with this mother and felt her pain.  But deep down within me, I remember thinking, if that was the sacrifice of having a baby, I will take it in a heartbeat and even ask for 10 more days at the hospital battling other crazies.  Yeah, I know that sounds straight up coo coo.... but that is exactly how I felt.  I think at this point, I feel like I could volunteer to fight in the worst war, bear life threatening illnesses, anything, as long as the end result is a healthy, happy baby.

However painful this was for me, it also helped me realize that I would do okay with adoption.  I think I could truly adopt a child and love them just as much!  Maybe this is the silver lining... I don't know.  But I have to figure out a way out of this miserable feeling that constantly haunts my inner being.  The yucky thought and feeling of inadequacy since I am half- a- woman.  Okay, so rationally I know I am all woman and have a lot to offer, but the fact that I have been told that I cannot have the one thing I knew I would have makes me feel this way. 

Sinking in

May is awareness month for me.  I decide to start eating healthy, I dramatically cut my sugar and meat intake.  I read a few books focusing on natural fertility for infertility.  I realize what an uphill battle we are in for.  Not sure hubs is there yet.  In addition to fish oil and prenatal, I start taking Vit D per my RE's recommendation, DHEA, Vitex, and CoQ10.  I am still getting acupuncture.  The RE recommends we get regular on the baby dance, which we do.....  We learn that scheduling BD every other day works best since ovulation is as unpredictable as you all get.

The hot flashes return end of April then they quietly disappeared on the 2nd week of May..
I believe I ovulated on the 16th based on my temps.... Unfortunately, I didn't have an OPK, so I can't say for certain.....