The end... so soon.

I have been so down I have no particular emotion to describe how I feel.  After 8 days of daily Follistim shots, my poor lil follies would not respond.  Despite having an AFC of 3 on the left and 2 on the right, they stayed so small and sometimes even shrunk.  My estrogen was a mere >25, meaning my chances were slim to none.  This despite a nice lush lining of 9.6 (what’s the point?)  If everything else did not look so good… then again, this is one less thing to worry about.  Mission aborted.

I somewhat expected the worst but it still hit me so hard that I fell without knowing I had fallen.  I am trying to stay positive but it is hard.  The past few days I have not been taking all my vitamins and even cancelled acupuncture this week.  I need to pull it together.  My poor hubs does not know what to do at this point coz I don’t even know what I want.  He thinks we should take a break but I don’t believe that is the answer. 

I need a sign to show me the wayL

Good to go - new beginnings

Yesterday was the follow-up apt with the RE after Daily Estradiol 150mcg x2 weeks.  This was meant to suppress the FSH and boy did it do just that!  My FSH was 2.6…. yup, 2.6!  I was too surprised because last time this was checked, it was 45.  I mentioned side effects: tender breasts, wt gain, bloated feeling and she decided to decrease it to 50 mcg twice a day.  I am okay with it and hope that things stay in a good place.  The Estradiol was <26 which according to her is good.  The antra follicle count was 2 on L.(2mm, 3mm) and 1 on R.(4mm) – well, don’t know what to think of this but I am hoping for miracles.  My lining was great at 8.4 (triphasic?).

I am well aware that people with POI do not tend to respond well to stim meds, but one can only hope.  I mean, what else do I have?  I am happy about the FSH drop because that is one hurdle down.  This gives me hope that something is doable.  It also hints that IVF might be possible in the future (I have heard you cannot do IVF if FSH is >10).   Just not sure this is the case with estradiol replacement – my body liked that.

She decided that this would be a great time to start Follistim 225 iu injections.  I picked it up from the pharmacy and talk about sticker shock!  Ouch!  A vial of 600 iu cost me $500 (do the math for 3 vials).  That is what happens when you have dual insurance and none of them covers infertility.  What a horror!  I called hubs who reminded me that we again… have to hope for the best and bite the bullet!  She, for some reason started me on a high dose (I now know this because I noticed that most ladies take about 50-150 IU).  In a way, I am glad that she wants this done without a slow titrate given my low numbers.

I am really hoping this helps my follies grow because that will be yet another hurdle jumped.  She was clear in stating that most people with my condition do not respond to these meds… yes, I heard you but hope can be one stubborn animal.  I will only go in with a grain of salt, or a mustard seed.....

Day one:  Hubs and I went back and forth on neither of us wanting to administer the medication.  He is scared of needles and I just could not see how I would jab myself with a needle.  I found a you-tube video which helped him some.  Top that with him practicing on a tomato.  Oh the drama coming from Mr. strong himselfJ .  Finally, he garnered the guts and stated that he would take care of it; and there I was, creaming like a crazed woman that I was scared… read: too dramatic for TV! Lol.  Anyways, it was not even painful plus it was over and done before I knew it.  Success!  Here is to my first Follistim injection.  Scratch that…. My first ever subcutaneous injection on my belly!

I realized that I had not asked about exercise and BD later in the day when hubs asked me about it.  Turns out I can exercise and BD as much as I want for now.  Hubs was happy to hear about the latterJ

Gratitude

Happy Friday y’all!  Fridays always make me feel excitable because I do not have to wake up early Saturday morning.  I am sure some or most of you understand that very well. 

First, I would like to thank Aislinn of http://msbabymakin.blogspot.com/ for the wonderful gift of the paracord awareness bracelet (see below).  I am super excited about this!  Thanks Aislinn!  May your journey be Blessed with a bundle of joy in your arms.

 

Secondly, I feel so grateful to have my husband as my life partner.  I am amazed at his propensity to make my life better in more ways than one.  He has truly been there for me even when I do not deserve his constant assurance and love.  I need to do better in terms of loving, giving, listening, assuring, and pleasing him.  Besides, what good am I being nicer to strangers than I am to him?

I am also grateful for last weekend.  It being a long weekend allowed us to have a mini-getaway.  Isn’t this beautiful?  This is a view of Lake Tahoe from above.  I took this pic from the Heavenly gondolas up above.

 As much as I did not realize, this trip really allowed us to focus on each other and remember what is important.  Sometimes we are so busy going through the wringers of life that we forget to have some fun or pay attention to all the Blessings around us.  A few things I was reminded of were the fact that I have a best friend for a hubs… I can pretty much tell him anything and we have fun together.  His goofiness totally puts me at ease when I am sweating small stuff.  I love that I can be myself in all ways, and I mean ALL ways and he will still think of me as the cutest thing in the world.  I mean, what did I do to deserve such a great man?! 

I am also grateful for sunsets.  I think they are a great reminder that even with all that goes on in the world and in our lives, beauty exists.  I see God in sunsets.  I just love them.  They exude peace, joy and tranquility to me.   I took this photo on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe and in all honesty, the pic does not do it justice. 

I am grateful for the lack of hot flashes... this is not to mentione the ugly side of Estradiol - read wt gain...  It is kinda nice to be comfortable and sleep like a baby again.  I know this is short lived but I am grateful altogether. 

I don’t think I mentioned that we started seeing a therapist.  This I am grateful for!  We are still establishing rapport (seen her twice) but I feel that she has already been essential in helping us deal with a lot of things.  I am now able to look at hubs point of view in dealing with the throws of complicated-baby-making.  He is also able to see things from my point of view.  This I know because he has been working hard at meeting me from my place instead of asking me to shake it off and keep moving coz life is not fair.  Yes, you heard it... that is his way of dealing.  Instead of me looking at it like he does not care, I now know that this is just how he deals with tragic problems.  He has been through a few tragedies and has emerged strong and focused.  Our goal is to go in weekly, and I feel good about this one.  We should have done it sooner.  I think everyone should look into thisJ

August already!!

I cannot believe it is August!  Where the heck did the year go?
I am apprehensive about this month because I turn 34!  This brings the worry that I will soon be considered of maternal advanced age thus a high risk pregnancy if in fact I do get pregnant.  Never would I have thought that this was an actual term but now I know it is.  I apparently will be high risk if I do not conceive after November since that would make me 35 by the time I give birth.  One more strike!  One step at a time though because I have to first get over the hurdle of getting preggers then worry about the rest......

July was a disappointing month; I did not ovulate and looks like I will have to induce a AF.  Bummers!  I hope my birthday month will be good me.  There is a comfort level that comes with seeing AF regularly.  It makes me feel like I still have a chance in the matter.  Without AF, things get tougher and harder to deal with.
So God help me.

Sadness..... Anger......Disappointment all in one big heap.

I am angry today... no, I am sad... O well, why sugar coat it, I am upset!

Last week ended in one disappointing heap!  I went in for the progesterone check on Friday morning per my RE's advice and learnt that based on the low level (0.49), I had def NOT ovulated and so the IUI was a burst!

I think I was too disappointed to be sad.  Or I had prepared myself for failure when I noted that my temps stayed low.  Or that hubs was as usual, the optimist who was here to tell me that we will just have to try again.  Not sure, but I made it out of it a-okay.  I enjoyed my weekend and even volunteered yesterday.

Come today, the RE wanted to check the follie growth (or lack there of), so, I headed there before work. 
I was in the exam room for about 20 minutes when a resident showed up alone and said that since the good ol doc was busy, she had instructed her to to come in and do my ultrasound.  She was a sweet lady and I tried to hide my extreme disappointment.

Really?  I just had a burst on my first ever IUI and the best you can do is send your prodigy to perform an US on me?  To top that, she was having difficulty seeing any follies, except for one 10 mm follie on my L. side.  I know this is TMI, but she must have thought she was riding a joystick in my v-jay jay... I even had to cringe, to which of course she apologized.  I could tell she was nervous and being that I have been a student before, I sensed that this was in over her head.

She then said that since she was having a hard time seeing any follies, she would go fetch the teacher who would have to do another US.  I just sat there waiting, feeling violated and upset for about 5 -10 minutes.  I couldn't help crying.  Seriously, there I was feeling very brushed aside and alone.  I hated my body for allowing me to be in this predicament in the first place.

She then came back and said that the teacher was busy and to come back on Thursday.   I told her I was upset and that I would not return on Thursday.  Poor girl... I again know it was not her fault, she was also put in a weird position by her teacher.  But I was crying and could not help myself.  She did ask what she could help with and ofcourse I said nothing.  I could tell she was at a loss for words.. oh boy...  I left the clinic feeling like a failure, a mess and a jerk all in one!

At this point, I just want to stop going in and trying naturally.  My only predicament is that I know this will not be a very smart decision.  I know I am speaking with my emotions, but how do I move on from here? 

I am still feeling a little mad about the whole thing today.  At the same time, I feel bad for the resident because she really did not do anything wrong.  I suppose for once, I did not want to be treated like a statistic. 
I just wanted the RE to come in and see me for the person that I am, that is struggling with these issues and had a very disappointing event happen. 
I wanted the RE to reassure me that despite the false positive and a waste of our hard earned money on a fake IUI, it will be fine, one of these days. 
I wanted a human connection from the person who has been seeing my hoo haa on a regular basis besides hubs. 
Unfortunately, it is just a job for her and I am just another patient in her long day!
Uh!
What to do?  What would you do if you were in my shoes?

IUI #1

I had the LH surge yesterday, which of course meant calling my RE to see whether she can see me ASAP.  Thankfully, she was able to see me this morning.  A few small follies on both sides, lining 8 mm (from 4mm last week), and  fluid in left ovary.  She also asked that hubs donate his offspring early this morning so that it can get washed.  Things looked good on his end (as always).

Unfortunately, she was not able to catch "THE" follicle if there ever was any.  Although my lining had improved, it would be hard to tell for sure with me being on the Estrogen patch.  This meant that;

a)  I ovulated sometime last night given she could not see any follicle but could see fluid in the L. ovary; meaning the follicle had ruptured.

b)  I did not ovulate, the surge was another false positive and the lining was just thick d/t recent boost from the patch.  In this case, no particular explanation for the fluid in the L. ovary.

She gave me a 60% chance that I ovulated.  Sounds like the weatherman predicting rain or shine when they have ablsolutely no clue of either or, but to hubs and I, this was high enough to give IUI a chance.   She said that she would do the same were she in our shoes.  We decided to go ahead and do the first IUI today.

I guess I can say that I am lucky coz I did not have to take stim medication d/t my high FSH and the fact that I am still ovulating pretty regularly (that is if infact I did ovulate). I would be a poor responder anyways.  So, I did not have to poke  and prod myself or subject hubs to the trauma of poking me.  He is seriously afraid of needles which I think is so funny.  Bear in mind that this is the same guy who can take just about anything,.... a truly manly man...lol

I thought that getting IUI would make me so anxious and worried every single second.... but in all honesty, it put me at a peace I never thought I would have.  Although this puts me into the 2 week wait category, I am not anxious or worried.  I am ready for IUI #2 if that is what it boils down to.  I have to stay positive.  I have to let go of my sense of control.

I think my attending the resolve meeting last night really made a difference for me.  I talked to the ladies who were very candid about their lives, and how they have learnt to deal with the situation by letting go!  I need this like I need a baby.  Just letting go and for me, letting God!  He is the one who knows what my plan is.

They also mentioned how it is important to live this life... this beautiful life.  Something I have not been doing lately given my obsession with all things infertility and POF.  On my way home, I was just so glad I went to the meeting.

I feel grateful today, for being able to do this and for hubs... he was such a champion this week with me going bonkers with the whole ovulation thing.  I am such a lucky girl!  I hope the luck extends in a lil Blessing.  If not this month... hopefully in the future.

Hills and valleys

AS I write this, I wish I had good news to write.  This is what I typed up on the 2nd:

This week started on a good note.  After AF showing up over the weekend, I had the usual RE check.  This was so far the most positive appointment I have had so far.  Looks like I have 3 beautiful follies on the L. at 4mm each.. and 2 not so ambitious ones on the R. at 2 mm each.  Uterine lining at 3.3 which is ok given it being the 4th day of my cycle.  RE was happy with the results and wants me to come back in a week.  We will see how this goes but I am definitely praying for positivity.  I am charging all my positive cations on this one!
Hubs and I have decided to attack this cyle from all ends thus the decision to go IUI if feasible.  Decisions will be made next week and I am happy about this.

Natures way to fuck with me.... on the 8th morning, the OPK was positive which sent me to cloud nine.  Even had hubby come back from his trip to the gym for BD.  The 8th was also the followup day with my RE.  That excitement was crushed as soon as she did the US and stated that I was not about to ovulate given the size of my follies and thin lining.  They had not grown one bit...... not cool!  So, there I was, sent on my merry way, and nothing can be done.

According to my RE, she cannot do anything with me because my body is already producing high levels of FSH, so I would not be pre-medicated for IUI.  But if this is the case, how will I catch this ovulation?

The OPK was positive for 2 days then has been negative since.  Looks like I am not ovulating this month which scares me.  Was last month the last ovulation I would have the O in a long time?

I am so confused.  How do doctors deal with people like me?  Surely they do not send them home and tell them to wait do they?

Life with POI

If I did not know any better, I would for the umpteenth time, think I was preggers.  This, like most people struggling with infertility, is the order of the two weeks after ovulation... aah the joys!  not!

The hot flashes are back today!  I hate them with all my being because they remind me of my ovarian failure, insufficiency, inadequacy, shortcomings... all that and more.  They woke me up at around 4 am today and it was on and off from then.  This morning on my way to work, I felt like I was on fire.. Maybe it is about time I bite the bullet and take the estrogen.  I just wonder whether I will take it concurrently with the herbs... always confused!

I have nausea that is making me feel like crap.  As time progresses, I notice that I get nausea on the week AF shows her face.  I just think that is hella unfair because it makes me think I am preggers every time without fail..  Seriously, that is the world's way of fucking with my brain and I loath it!  I also have a light headache and a feeling of fogginess.  Well of course the fogginess could be part of the hormonal imbalance or PMS.  Who the heck knows anymore.  My breasts are a tad engorged but sometimes I wonder whether I am reading into everything..  This whole self awareness is not healthy coz then you sit there listening to every symptom your body might have:)  A little twinge here, a pang there... they all come with a lot of reading into.  It could totally be unrelated but it all means something related to nothing... I want to stop with the madness but how can I?

I have some cramps... last night while asleep, I felt a pang on my right side.  Of course all sorts of things in my head popped up while asleep... like ectopic and crap like that...  Then this morning it is just mild cramping in a general sense.  I don't want to test, but I find myself doing it "just in case".  And of course it is a BFN which floors my heart.

I should mention that things are not exactly harmonious in the home front.  Hubby and I have been at loggerheads for petty issues.  I know I should not dare bring my condition into this, but it drives me into the poor me auto.  I feel unsupported, like I am battling this on my own, like he does not really care.  Rationally, I know this is not necessarily true, but emotionally, I feel very alone.  At this point, he is busy with managing our investment property, trying to find a tenant which has been difficult.  He seems so immersed in that, that I don't think he thinks of anything else, aside from his work. We have not been talking about anything else aside from work, finding a house, finding a tenant.... all business, nothing personal.  At this point, I don't even think I want to talk about anything personal with him coz I hate it when I get all emotional and instead of getting my point across, I cry and cry... and sulk in the end of it all.  I have been down about things and I just don't feel strong to tackle difficult conversations. 



Hubs is a great guy in so many ways I could lose count.  But I don't feel that he is good at the emotional mushy stuff which is fine for the most part.  He also sucks at apologizing which drives me absolutely bonkers!  Speaking of the mushy, the way he handles this whole POI stuff is by saying that we will deal with it as it comes.  No emotions attached to it, nothing.  He says that he believes we will have a baby at some point, but is we don't, then that's that.  I have asked him severally on how he feels about it all and his response is; "well, we will just have to work on it until we cannot do it anymore".  "In my life, nothing comes easy, so I am ready to do the work".  He then goes ahead to let me know that I panic easy and there is no need for that.  He says that I tend to over think and throw myself into a tizzy.  Well sir, last I looked, the POI diagnosis is not a walk in the park!

I am kinda resentful about that, not that I would want him to have the same level of response like I do.  But I would want him to be more thoughtful before saying things like "I am overreacting".  That is the problem with having expectations....  I do not want to have any expectations, I should just take him as he is.  I don't know how to go about it anymore but to hold things in or blog them really.  I am thankful for this coz it lets me get things out of my chest. 



The whole resentment thing is my problem really.  It only messes with my heart and emotions, not his.  So I have to work around that. Oh dear!

Beautiful babies and wishes

This weekend, hubby's college bud, wife, and their adorable 9 month daughter visited.  Talk about heart shattering beautiful moments! 

I had to go look at our vacation photos to deal...  and so I posted some of them for good measure.

 

The lil munchkin was the happiest baby I have ever seen, and she was crazy about me!  She wanted to play with me and kept crawling my way even when I was in the kitchen cooking.  well, maybe coz I was enamored by her beauty and the fact that she was the epitome of what I could literally die for right now.  Oh, my.  What I would do for a baby! 

I think the mom might have gotten scared at how attached we were to her daughter, we even told them she was so cute we could steal her!  I used to say that in a joking manner before my predicament.  Now I am not sure whether this is a joke, or if given the opportunity, I would steal her and love her with every ounce of my blood!  Yeah, I know you think I am nuts... and maybe I am.

Munchkin's mother told me of her grueling birth story.  After a fairly seamless pregnancy, she almost died during the birthing process.  This prompted in emergency C-section and a 10 day stay at the hospital due to hemorrhaging.  She also suffered major wound dehiscing which meant wound vacs on her incision and home care for dressing changes.  While she was at the hospital for 10 days, her baby was discharged with daddy and grandma.  Having been on tons of opiates for the pain, she could not breast feed the baby.  She is sad that she did not get the true bonding with her baby in the first week of her life, as well as through breast feeding.  

I truly empathised with this mother and felt her pain.  But deep down within me, I remember thinking, if that was the sacrifice of having a baby, I will take it in a heartbeat and even ask for 10 more days at the hospital battling other crazies.  Yeah, I know that sounds straight up coo coo.... but that is exactly how I felt.  I think at this point, I feel like I could volunteer to fight in the worst war, bear life threatening illnesses, anything, as long as the end result is a healthy, happy baby.

However painful this was for me, it also helped me realize that I would do okay with adoption.  I think I could truly adopt a child and love them just as much!  Maybe this is the silver lining... I don't know.  But I have to figure out a way out of this miserable feeling that constantly haunts my inner being.  The yucky thought and feeling of inadequacy since I am half- a- woman.  Okay, so rationally I know I am all woman and have a lot to offer, but the fact that I have been told that I cannot have the one thing I knew I would have makes me feel this way. 

Changes... challenges.....Vacation..... challenges

Hope, where at thou?
I have recently been losing faith.  I so want to keep it right now.  I want to believe that a lot of people deal with my situation and beat it.  I want to believe that I am one of those people.  A little voice in me keeps that going but lately, the devilish voice that tells me I will never have a baby keeps getting louder.

Acupuncture:
I decided to change acupuncturist because I wanted to try herbs and my last one did not offer any.  He also did not have a goal or end in sight.  This did not give me a good feeling.  I am now seeing a lady who is giving me herbs and does things differently.  She has mentioned several times that she is preparing me for whatever I decide to do in future... be it DE or IVF.  She does not give me hope that I can beat my odds naturally.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  I have been questioning my decision to go there... ugh!  I see lots of pictures and brochures that refer to prenatal care which makes me question her hx and success with people with POF.  Maybe she deals with prenatal shit and not infertility... the doubts are consuming me.  Her frequent mention of DE or IVF makes my stomach churn.  Not that I am against either, but because I would have wanted her to want to try naturally first before jumping the gun.  It is almost as if she has no hope in me.  Something the last one did.  She also keeps asking me whether I do not have PCOS.... no good lady, I don't.  I do not have multiple follicles, My FSH is sky high, my AMH is non-existent... please do your homework.  This is so sad especially because she is spunky and easy to engage.  uurgh!  What to do!  In my vacay excitement fugue, I paid for 10 sessions... I kinda feel stuck for a few months :(

Herbs:
I decided to change acupuncturists right before my vacation.  Well needed vacation.  I started Chinese herbs a week before my vacation.  AF was visiting that week and I was hoping to God things would slow down before vacay.  The destination was Jamaica, so I needed to be ready for the sun, the pools, the beach, the ocean.... anything tropical and Caribbean basically.  AF was not one of them!  Needless to say, AF did go back to hibernation the day of my trip.  I was regular with the herbs for the entirety of my trip.

Vacation:
Vacation was fun!  I felt spoilt rotten, broke all the rules that an infertile should follow...I drank alcohol from morning to morning, ate everything including sugar, processed foods, you name it, I ate it.  Only thing good thing I did for myself was relax!  No stress maan!  I was not gonna think of this looming infertility crap.  I was there to have fun and that is exactly what I did; not ashamed about it either.  I think the worst part about coming back from vacation is everyone sking whether I got knocked up!  I should mention that I am not out with my diagnosis. 

Ovulation:
Upon my return, I had an appt with my RE who surprised me during my US with the news that I had already ovulated.  She ordered labs to confirm.
Lining: 6 mm
Antral Follicle count: 2 on left side (one 12mm and the other 4mm)
What?  I have long cycles, how can I have ovulated?  I had had two negative OPKs two days after my return!  Yikes... this means I did not time my ovulation coz I was sure as hell it would happen the week we returned..  Estradiol 68, Progesterone 6.3; yes maam, you have already ovulated. 
Just my luck!  I hate to depend on that ovulation with the life of me!  I am pissed at my body for rebelling against it's owner.  I hope that all the drinking and poor diet will not be my downfall.  In all honesty, I don't even think I had a chance to begin with because my 2nd day cycle check, the antral follicle count had been 1 (R. side).... yap... just one lonely lil tumble weed.  It was no longer visible. 

I wonder whether the herbs messed with me, but the new accu lady in an around kinda way said that this could not be the case.  I am not convinced.

Now, I know a lot of people with POF do not even ovulate, so I should be grateful that I still do.  I am just confused about a lot of things right now.

All I know with certainty, is that I want a bundle of joy to light up our hearts and home, and that is, like 1 in 8 women, proving harder by the minute.

My Premature Ovarian Failure journey

Well, here we go....
I am 33 yrs old and received this diagnosis prior to my 33rd birthday. 

2007-July 2012: 
I spent most of my 20's trying not to get pregnant... and that is the irony of it all!  Birth control pills, Depo, condoms, etc.... I knew I did not want a child to get in the way of my education and career.  I had an IUD for five years and truth be told, had lots of problems with it such as crazy cramping, spotting most of the time, irregular periods, you name it!  Prior to the IUD, I had very regular but short periods and very mild cramping.  I trully feel that the IUD had to do with my condition; I think it overworked my system.  However, there are no studies out there to prove this, so my claim would be deemed baseless.

Jan 2012-July 2012
I was going through a huge phase of life change that included getting married, changing employers to a less desirable one, and interstate relocation; this meant that everything else took a back burner.  I started getting sporadic hot flushes in Jan 2012 and after the move in June, became really irritable and depressed (not clinically but I probably could have passed for that had I seen a professional).  Everything in my life seemed in shambles and I was hanging on on a shoestring.  I hated my new life, my job, my new area...etc etc... 
Finally, in July, I decided to see an OBGYN for my annual pap as well as lab values to determine what the heck was going on.  I was not ready for a baby and quite honestly, that was not in the plans.  I thought I would wait another couple of years prior to baby. 
After that visit, the doc called me a few days later informing me that she had bad news.  My FSH was 72 which indicated that I was in early menopause.  I was most likely never going to have a baby.  I really do not think that sunk in for another few months.  I wanted the IUD out ASAP as I felt it had something to do with it.  Which she kindly obliged.  I remember her looking at me with pity eyes when I went in to see her to discuss this "nonsense". 

October 2012 - Dec 2012
The IUD came out within the next few weeks and a month later, my FSH was 50.  I felt hopeful that is was on the decline but my doc insisted that I see a RE.  At this point in time, hubs and I started using Dr. Google who informed us (through multiple blogs) that we were in deep trouble.  The hot flashes and irritability raged with vengeance which really made for a terrible wife.  Oh how I feel bad for him!  He had to deal with a lot of irrational behavior and now that I think of it, I was on the brink of losing it.... lol.  It came a time when we started questioning the meaning of our relationship as nothing was dealt with without temper tantrums or silent treatments that would last a week.

In all honesty, I think I was just mad at the world and mad at myself for being broken.  For being this woman who is going to have to find another purporse in her life as being a mother might not be one.  Then why the heck do I have these hips?  Were they not to help me carry a child to term?  My mother died when I was a little girl, and although my step-mom raised and provided for me, I never knew the true love and bond that comes from a mother.  I always hoped that one day, I would be able to provide that unconditional love to my child.

We looked into accupuncture and I scheduled an appointment with a renown accupuncturist.  She is so popular, that my appointment was a month and a half away.  2 weeks before my appointment, I received a letter from her clinic saying that she was retiring d/t medical reasons.  This threw me off and I chose to ignore things.  Basically, I did not see the RE I had been referred to and did not seek out another accupuncturist (well, I did call the ones this clinic had recommended but their schedule and locations were going to be a problem).  We decided to try naturally but we were not consistent.  Plus my ovulations were hit and miss.  I was starting to miss my period.  I had missed my period in December.

January 2013
We returned home after spending a week with my family (x-mas) and  I was sulky and unhappy the entire time.  I am pretty sure my family noticed I was not happy and unfortunately attributed it to an unhappy relationship.  They called to question this upon my return.  I was dealing with a lot of shame for having this diagnosis and did not tell a soul.  I know that I did not choose this diagnosis, but why am I so ashamed?  Why is it still a deep dark secret that I cannot get myself to utter?  This is where the self pity comes in of why me?  But then again, if not me, who is it that deserves such an uncanny diagnosis?  Which child-bearing female in a good marriage wants to take it from me so that I can be the happy one and they the sad one?  Who wants to be the sacrificial lamb?  I take no one..

I decided to take the accupuncture seriously and sought out a practitioner through my good ol friend google... oh my, it made me feel really calm and collected.  My accupunctirist is Chinese; he advised that I stay away from bananas, ice cold drinks and citrus fruits.  Did I say I love bananas?  I used to eat one every morning... oh well, I can handle that sacrifice.  He also recommended I start taking pre-natals and fish oil.  He did not think I needed herbs - this I was disappointed about because the other practitioner was famous for combining acc and herbs.  But he seemed hopeful with accupunture alone and sure enough, my period came back.

February 2013 - I was still getting periods, and ovulating.  My FSH went down to a 5... yes, a freaking 5 from 50.  Are you kidding me?  Accupuncture, where have you been all my life?  No hot flashes either!  I was esctatic and hopeful!  I started feeling like I can beat this thing.  "I am calm, I love my marriage, I love the hubs, we get along so well, life is going much better and smoother"!  However, I was not pregnant!  I have to say, we were not actively trying, we thought that since I was not on contraceptives, things would just happen.  lol.  Yeah, I know.  Very funny when you are in denial land!

March 2013 - I am still getting accupuncture.  I am a calmer human being.  I have achieved my zen and balance.  I feel like I am a better partner and human being.  I don't sweat small stuff.  I have since started temping.  No ovulation and just when I am expecting that O to happen, I get my period after 14 days.... what is going on?
I mention this to the accupunturist who brushes this off as one of those things.  Something clicks in my head... others would call it reality striking:  well lady, you need to go to the RE ASAP!  I schedule a meeting with the RE center that I had been referred to last year.  Part of me wants to hear that things are honky dory and I will get preggers, just need to keep trying coz we are not trying hard enough...lol.. yes, we can have sex even more often that we already are.  At this time, hubs is feeling the pressure... I want him to perform all the time because we can't possibly miss any opportunity!  no way!  not on my watchful hawk eyes!

April 2013
Finally, my appointment date is here.  I can see the RE.  She is an angel.  She is patient and kind.  She does not show how dire this situation is despite the fact that we both know it is.  She vows to try what she knows.  But we need to test first...  I don't have anything else wrong with me, no fragile x, thyroid issues, blood sugar issues, nothing that would be causing this.  I am happy about this.  But that does not take away from the fact that I have POF...  She chooses to call it POI coz it is more politically correct.  I have always prided myself with the ability to deal with it when it comes, but I realize this is bigger than me and it is frustrating.  The best I can do is try.  I go home dispirited and discuss things with hubs; we vow to try till we cannot try anymore.  I do have to say, I think God sent this angel I call hubs because He wanted me to have someone who is level headed in times like this.  He is ever hopeful and rational.  Sometimes to a fault but in this case, it is a major plus to have him by my side. 

Everything else depends on the elusive period.  My period comes after 48 days... yuck..Since my last FSH was a 5 in Feb, I am thinking it will be just as low.  Nope, not at all.  My stats look dismal.  FSH is back to 50 and AMH is undetectable.  I do have a couple of follicles on one side and one on the other.  They are tiny follicles.  My uterine linig is very thin at 3mm.  My ovaries seem atrophied too, though not too bad.  (How bad is not too bad I ask?).  A dark cloud envelopes me; why have I been tolerating the weekly needles then?  What am I doing wrong?  Is this the beginning of a long, sad debacle?  It is sinking in... and taking me down with it! I cannot let it!  Someone save me!

The visit to the RE hits me harder than a gong!  Oh my good Lord!  I am in for it!  I start thinking that this is my fate.  My life was too good to be true anyways!  I have a wonderful hubs, great job that I love, settled in, no stress, and life had to dole a cruel shocker to shake things up. 
Yes, missy, people have it bad, and it is not fair for you to have it good... no way!  You cannot be all happy and giggly inside when the rest of the world is in pain, dealing with new chronic diagnoses, parents losing children, children losing parents, people dealing with domestic violence, children dealing with abuse, failing marriages, people losing jobs and homes, people sleeping hungry..... the list goes on.... No!  You don't get to be happy!  It doesn't work like that.... Life is not a bed of roses, and if it is, you sure have the thorns now!