Slow learner

I went in for my appointment yesterday.  This was CD14 post fake-flow.

I had been religiously temping and checking OPKs which is futile given it gives off positive vibes even when it should not be.  What a waste!  But, no, I keep doing it because it is dysfunctional and feeds my type A need to be in control.

I am used to the disappointments.  Of course despite it being CD 14, I have two lonely follies, one on each side.  One is 3mm and the other 2 mm; umm, why even bother?  Did all the potential babies slough off leaving me with tired lil follies? 

I expressed my concern to the RE.  I was unhappy about being in limbo and almost felt like she had given up on me.  She said that she understood my sentiment.  She did not want me wasting money on meds that will most likely not lead to anything.  My FSH was already higher that she pushes it with meds.  She said that studies have shown that POF cases were able to ovulate on meds just not get pregnant.  I told her that I wanted to try, whether it amounts to anything or not.  I believe the idea of a slim chance is better than nothing at this point.  Is this really true?  What happens to all the people with POF that have been successful?  Am I being naïve and stubborn? 

I was surprised when she said that she is open to try despite having done a lot of research that is not very optimistic for someone in my position.   I understand that most of these research institutions heavily rely on evidence based medicine, but I want to try anything and everything before giving up.  I want to give her another chance here (yes, I know... I am a very slow learner).

Hubs and I decided that we will give this one try prior to moving on to a different clinic.  He is concerned that the meds might mess with my already fragile body.  He is worried that stimulating follie production will push me further into the menopausal stage sooner that I have already made it.

Given my ovaries look like CD3 ovaries i.e. quite dormant, I can start with the high dose estradiol today.  I am truly hoping that this will suppress my very high FSH (45).  Please body, work with me here.  I have been so good to you, feeding you only healthy food, working you out, pleasing you with massages, nourishing you with TLC.  Please cooperate for once.  You have been such a bad girl but I still love you.  Time to love me back and show it!

IUI #1

I had the LH surge yesterday, which of course meant calling my RE to see whether she can see me ASAP.  Thankfully, she was able to see me this morning.  A few small follies on both sides, lining 8 mm (from 4mm last week), and  fluid in left ovary.  She also asked that hubs donate his offspring early this morning so that it can get washed.  Things looked good on his end (as always).

Unfortunately, she was not able to catch "THE" follicle if there ever was any.  Although my lining had improved, it would be hard to tell for sure with me being on the Estrogen patch.  This meant that;

a)  I ovulated sometime last night given she could not see any follicle but could see fluid in the L. ovary; meaning the follicle had ruptured.

b)  I did not ovulate, the surge was another false positive and the lining was just thick d/t recent boost from the patch.  In this case, no particular explanation for the fluid in the L. ovary.

She gave me a 60% chance that I ovulated.  Sounds like the weatherman predicting rain or shine when they have ablsolutely no clue of either or, but to hubs and I, this was high enough to give IUI a chance.   She said that she would do the same were she in our shoes.  We decided to go ahead and do the first IUI today.

I guess I can say that I am lucky coz I did not have to take stim medication d/t my high FSH and the fact that I am still ovulating pretty regularly (that is if infact I did ovulate). I would be a poor responder anyways.  So, I did not have to poke  and prod myself or subject hubs to the trauma of poking me.  He is seriously afraid of needles which I think is so funny.  Bear in mind that this is the same guy who can take just about anything,.... a truly manly man...lol

I thought that getting IUI would make me so anxious and worried every single second.... but in all honesty, it put me at a peace I never thought I would have.  Although this puts me into the 2 week wait category, I am not anxious or worried.  I am ready for IUI #2 if that is what it boils down to.  I have to stay positive.  I have to let go of my sense of control.

I think my attending the resolve meeting last night really made a difference for me.  I talked to the ladies who were very candid about their lives, and how they have learnt to deal with the situation by letting go!  I need this like I need a baby.  Just letting go and for me, letting God!  He is the one who knows what my plan is.

They also mentioned how it is important to live this life... this beautiful life.  Something I have not been doing lately given my obsession with all things infertility and POF.  On my way home, I was just so glad I went to the meeting.

I feel grateful today, for being able to do this and for hubs... he was such a champion this week with me going bonkers with the whole ovulation thing.  I am such a lucky girl!  I hope the luck extends in a lil Blessing.  If not this month... hopefully in the future.

Hills and valleys

AS I write this, I wish I had good news to write.  This is what I typed up on the 2nd:

This week started on a good note.  After AF showing up over the weekend, I had the usual RE check.  This was so far the most positive appointment I have had so far.  Looks like I have 3 beautiful follies on the L. at 4mm each.. and 2 not so ambitious ones on the R. at 2 mm each.  Uterine lining at 3.3 which is ok given it being the 4th day of my cycle.  RE was happy with the results and wants me to come back in a week.  We will see how this goes but I am definitely praying for positivity.  I am charging all my positive cations on this one!
Hubs and I have decided to attack this cyle from all ends thus the decision to go IUI if feasible.  Decisions will be made next week and I am happy about this.

Natures way to fuck with me.... on the 8th morning, the OPK was positive which sent me to cloud nine.  Even had hubby come back from his trip to the gym for BD.  The 8th was also the followup day with my RE.  That excitement was crushed as soon as she did the US and stated that I was not about to ovulate given the size of my follies and thin lining.  They had not grown one bit...... not cool!  So, there I was, sent on my merry way, and nothing can be done.

According to my RE, she cannot do anything with me because my body is already producing high levels of FSH, so I would not be pre-medicated for IUI.  But if this is the case, how will I catch this ovulation?

The OPK was positive for 2 days then has been negative since.  Looks like I am not ovulating this month which scares me.  Was last month the last ovulation I would have the O in a long time?

I am so confused.  How do doctors deal with people like me?  Surely they do not send them home and tell them to wait do they?

Changes... challenges.....Vacation..... challenges

Hope, where at thou?
I have recently been losing faith.  I so want to keep it right now.  I want to believe that a lot of people deal with my situation and beat it.  I want to believe that I am one of those people.  A little voice in me keeps that going but lately, the devilish voice that tells me I will never have a baby keeps getting louder.

Acupuncture:
I decided to change acupuncturist because I wanted to try herbs and my last one did not offer any.  He also did not have a goal or end in sight.  This did not give me a good feeling.  I am now seeing a lady who is giving me herbs and does things differently.  She has mentioned several times that she is preparing me for whatever I decide to do in future... be it DE or IVF.  She does not give me hope that I can beat my odds naturally.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  I have been questioning my decision to go there... ugh!  I see lots of pictures and brochures that refer to prenatal care which makes me question her hx and success with people with POF.  Maybe she deals with prenatal shit and not infertility... the doubts are consuming me.  Her frequent mention of DE or IVF makes my stomach churn.  Not that I am against either, but because I would have wanted her to want to try naturally first before jumping the gun.  It is almost as if she has no hope in me.  Something the last one did.  She also keeps asking me whether I do not have PCOS.... no good lady, I don't.  I do not have multiple follicles, My FSH is sky high, my AMH is non-existent... please do your homework.  This is so sad especially because she is spunky and easy to engage.  uurgh!  What to do!  In my vacay excitement fugue, I paid for 10 sessions... I kinda feel stuck for a few months :(

Herbs:
I decided to change acupuncturists right before my vacation.  Well needed vacation.  I started Chinese herbs a week before my vacation.  AF was visiting that week and I was hoping to God things would slow down before vacay.  The destination was Jamaica, so I needed to be ready for the sun, the pools, the beach, the ocean.... anything tropical and Caribbean basically.  AF was not one of them!  Needless to say, AF did go back to hibernation the day of my trip.  I was regular with the herbs for the entirety of my trip.

Vacation:
Vacation was fun!  I felt spoilt rotten, broke all the rules that an infertile should follow...I drank alcohol from morning to morning, ate everything including sugar, processed foods, you name it, I ate it.  Only thing good thing I did for myself was relax!  No stress maan!  I was not gonna think of this looming infertility crap.  I was there to have fun and that is exactly what I did; not ashamed about it either.  I think the worst part about coming back from vacation is everyone sking whether I got knocked up!  I should mention that I am not out with my diagnosis. 

Ovulation:
Upon my return, I had an appt with my RE who surprised me during my US with the news that I had already ovulated.  She ordered labs to confirm.
Lining: 6 mm
Antral Follicle count: 2 on left side (one 12mm and the other 4mm)
What?  I have long cycles, how can I have ovulated?  I had had two negative OPKs two days after my return!  Yikes... this means I did not time my ovulation coz I was sure as hell it would happen the week we returned..  Estradiol 68, Progesterone 6.3; yes maam, you have already ovulated. 
Just my luck!  I hate to depend on that ovulation with the life of me!  I am pissed at my body for rebelling against it's owner.  I hope that all the drinking and poor diet will not be my downfall.  In all honesty, I don't even think I had a chance to begin with because my 2nd day cycle check, the antral follicle count had been 1 (R. side).... yap... just one lonely lil tumble weed.  It was no longer visible. 

I wonder whether the herbs messed with me, but the new accu lady in an around kinda way said that this could not be the case.  I am not convinced.

Now, I know a lot of people with POF do not even ovulate, so I should be grateful that I still do.  I am just confused about a lot of things right now.

All I know with certainty, is that I want a bundle of joy to light up our hearts and home, and that is, like 1 in 8 women, proving harder by the minute.

My Premature Ovarian Failure journey

Well, here we go....
I am 33 yrs old and received this diagnosis prior to my 33rd birthday. 

2007-July 2012: 
I spent most of my 20's trying not to get pregnant... and that is the irony of it all!  Birth control pills, Depo, condoms, etc.... I knew I did not want a child to get in the way of my education and career.  I had an IUD for five years and truth be told, had lots of problems with it such as crazy cramping, spotting most of the time, irregular periods, you name it!  Prior to the IUD, I had very regular but short periods and very mild cramping.  I trully feel that the IUD had to do with my condition; I think it overworked my system.  However, there are no studies out there to prove this, so my claim would be deemed baseless.

Jan 2012-July 2012
I was going through a huge phase of life change that included getting married, changing employers to a less desirable one, and interstate relocation; this meant that everything else took a back burner.  I started getting sporadic hot flushes in Jan 2012 and after the move in June, became really irritable and depressed (not clinically but I probably could have passed for that had I seen a professional).  Everything in my life seemed in shambles and I was hanging on on a shoestring.  I hated my new life, my job, my new area...etc etc... 
Finally, in July, I decided to see an OBGYN for my annual pap as well as lab values to determine what the heck was going on.  I was not ready for a baby and quite honestly, that was not in the plans.  I thought I would wait another couple of years prior to baby. 
After that visit, the doc called me a few days later informing me that she had bad news.  My FSH was 72 which indicated that I was in early menopause.  I was most likely never going to have a baby.  I really do not think that sunk in for another few months.  I wanted the IUD out ASAP as I felt it had something to do with it.  Which she kindly obliged.  I remember her looking at me with pity eyes when I went in to see her to discuss this "nonsense". 

October 2012 - Dec 2012
The IUD came out within the next few weeks and a month later, my FSH was 50.  I felt hopeful that is was on the decline but my doc insisted that I see a RE.  At this point in time, hubs and I started using Dr. Google who informed us (through multiple blogs) that we were in deep trouble.  The hot flashes and irritability raged with vengeance which really made for a terrible wife.  Oh how I feel bad for him!  He had to deal with a lot of irrational behavior and now that I think of it, I was on the brink of losing it.... lol.  It came a time when we started questioning the meaning of our relationship as nothing was dealt with without temper tantrums or silent treatments that would last a week.

In all honesty, I think I was just mad at the world and mad at myself for being broken.  For being this woman who is going to have to find another purporse in her life as being a mother might not be one.  Then why the heck do I have these hips?  Were they not to help me carry a child to term?  My mother died when I was a little girl, and although my step-mom raised and provided for me, I never knew the true love and bond that comes from a mother.  I always hoped that one day, I would be able to provide that unconditional love to my child.

We looked into accupuncture and I scheduled an appointment with a renown accupuncturist.  She is so popular, that my appointment was a month and a half away.  2 weeks before my appointment, I received a letter from her clinic saying that she was retiring d/t medical reasons.  This threw me off and I chose to ignore things.  Basically, I did not see the RE I had been referred to and did not seek out another accupuncturist (well, I did call the ones this clinic had recommended but their schedule and locations were going to be a problem).  We decided to try naturally but we were not consistent.  Plus my ovulations were hit and miss.  I was starting to miss my period.  I had missed my period in December.

January 2013
We returned home after spending a week with my family (x-mas) and  I was sulky and unhappy the entire time.  I am pretty sure my family noticed I was not happy and unfortunately attributed it to an unhappy relationship.  They called to question this upon my return.  I was dealing with a lot of shame for having this diagnosis and did not tell a soul.  I know that I did not choose this diagnosis, but why am I so ashamed?  Why is it still a deep dark secret that I cannot get myself to utter?  This is where the self pity comes in of why me?  But then again, if not me, who is it that deserves such an uncanny diagnosis?  Which child-bearing female in a good marriage wants to take it from me so that I can be the happy one and they the sad one?  Who wants to be the sacrificial lamb?  I take no one..

I decided to take the accupuncture seriously and sought out a practitioner through my good ol friend google... oh my, it made me feel really calm and collected.  My accupunctirist is Chinese; he advised that I stay away from bananas, ice cold drinks and citrus fruits.  Did I say I love bananas?  I used to eat one every morning... oh well, I can handle that sacrifice.  He also recommended I start taking pre-natals and fish oil.  He did not think I needed herbs - this I was disappointed about because the other practitioner was famous for combining acc and herbs.  But he seemed hopeful with accupunture alone and sure enough, my period came back.

February 2013 - I was still getting periods, and ovulating.  My FSH went down to a 5... yes, a freaking 5 from 50.  Are you kidding me?  Accupuncture, where have you been all my life?  No hot flashes either!  I was esctatic and hopeful!  I started feeling like I can beat this thing.  "I am calm, I love my marriage, I love the hubs, we get along so well, life is going much better and smoother"!  However, I was not pregnant!  I have to say, we were not actively trying, we thought that since I was not on contraceptives, things would just happen.  lol.  Yeah, I know.  Very funny when you are in denial land!

March 2013 - I am still getting accupuncture.  I am a calmer human being.  I have achieved my zen and balance.  I feel like I am a better partner and human being.  I don't sweat small stuff.  I have since started temping.  No ovulation and just when I am expecting that O to happen, I get my period after 14 days.... what is going on?
I mention this to the accupunturist who brushes this off as one of those things.  Something clicks in my head... others would call it reality striking:  well lady, you need to go to the RE ASAP!  I schedule a meeting with the RE center that I had been referred to last year.  Part of me wants to hear that things are honky dory and I will get preggers, just need to keep trying coz we are not trying hard enough...lol.. yes, we can have sex even more often that we already are.  At this time, hubs is feeling the pressure... I want him to perform all the time because we can't possibly miss any opportunity!  no way!  not on my watchful hawk eyes!

April 2013
Finally, my appointment date is here.  I can see the RE.  She is an angel.  She is patient and kind.  She does not show how dire this situation is despite the fact that we both know it is.  She vows to try what she knows.  But we need to test first...  I don't have anything else wrong with me, no fragile x, thyroid issues, blood sugar issues, nothing that would be causing this.  I am happy about this.  But that does not take away from the fact that I have POF...  She chooses to call it POI coz it is more politically correct.  I have always prided myself with the ability to deal with it when it comes, but I realize this is bigger than me and it is frustrating.  The best I can do is try.  I go home dispirited and discuss things with hubs; we vow to try till we cannot try anymore.  I do have to say, I think God sent this angel I call hubs because He wanted me to have someone who is level headed in times like this.  He is ever hopeful and rational.  Sometimes to a fault but in this case, it is a major plus to have him by my side. 

Everything else depends on the elusive period.  My period comes after 48 days... yuck..Since my last FSH was a 5 in Feb, I am thinking it will be just as low.  Nope, not at all.  My stats look dismal.  FSH is back to 50 and AMH is undetectable.  I do have a couple of follicles on one side and one on the other.  They are tiny follicles.  My uterine linig is very thin at 3mm.  My ovaries seem atrophied too, though not too bad.  (How bad is not too bad I ask?).  A dark cloud envelopes me; why have I been tolerating the weekly needles then?  What am I doing wrong?  Is this the beginning of a long, sad debacle?  It is sinking in... and taking me down with it! I cannot let it!  Someone save me!

The visit to the RE hits me harder than a gong!  Oh my good Lord!  I am in for it!  I start thinking that this is my fate.  My life was too good to be true anyways!  I have a wonderful hubs, great job that I love, settled in, no stress, and life had to dole a cruel shocker to shake things up. 
Yes, missy, people have it bad, and it is not fair for you to have it good... no way!  You cannot be all happy and giggly inside when the rest of the world is in pain, dealing with new chronic diagnoses, parents losing children, children losing parents, people dealing with domestic violence, children dealing with abuse, failing marriages, people losing jobs and homes, people sleeping hungry..... the list goes on.... No!  You don't get to be happy!  It doesn't work like that.... Life is not a bed of roses, and if it is, you sure have the thorns now!