If I did not know any better, I would for the umpteenth time, think I was preggers. This, like most people struggling with infertility, is the order of the two weeks after ovulation... aah the joys! not!
The hot flashes are back today! I hate them with all my being because they remind me of my ovarian failure, insufficiency, inadequacy, shortcomings... all that and more. They woke me up at around 4 am today and it was on and off from then. This morning on my way to work, I felt like I was on fire.. Maybe it is about time I bite the bullet and take the estrogen. I just wonder whether I will take it concurrently with the herbs... always confused!
I have nausea that is making me feel like crap. As time progresses, I notice that I get nausea on the week AF shows her face. I just think that is hella unfair because it makes me think I am preggers every time without fail.. Seriously, that is the world's way of fucking with my brain and I loath it! I also have a light headache and a feeling of fogginess. Well of course the fogginess could be part of the hormonal imbalance or PMS. Who the heck knows anymore. My breasts are a tad engorged but sometimes I wonder whether I am reading into everything.. This whole self awareness is not healthy coz then you sit there listening to every symptom your body might have:) A little twinge here, a pang there... they all come with a lot of reading into. It could totally be unrelated but it all means something related to nothing... I want to stop with the madness but how can I?
I have some cramps... last night while asleep, I felt a pang on my right side. Of course all sorts of things in my head popped up while asleep... like ectopic and crap like that... Then this morning it is just mild cramping in a general sense. I don't want to test, but I find myself doing it "just in case". And of course it is a BFN which floors my heart.
I should mention that things are not exactly harmonious in the home front. Hubby and I have been at loggerheads for petty issues. I know I should not dare bring my condition into this, but it drives me into the poor me auto. I feel unsupported, like I am battling this on my own, like he does not really care. Rationally, I know this is not necessarily true, but emotionally, I feel very alone. At this point, he is busy with managing our investment property, trying to find a tenant which has been difficult. He seems so immersed in that, that I don't think he thinks of anything else, aside from his work. We have not been talking about anything else aside from work, finding a house, finding a tenant.... all business, nothing personal. At this point, I don't even think I want to talk about anything personal with him coz I hate it when I get all emotional and instead of getting my point across, I cry and cry... and sulk in the end of it all. I have been down about things and I just don't feel strong to tackle difficult conversations.
Hubs is a great guy in so many ways I could lose count. But I don't feel that he is good at the emotional mushy stuff which is fine for the most part. He also sucks at apologizing which drives me absolutely bonkers! Speaking of the mushy, the way he handles this whole POI stuff is by saying that we will deal with it as it comes. No emotions attached to it, nothing. He says that he believes we will have a baby at some point, but is we don't, then that's that. I have asked him severally on how he feels about it all and his response is; "well, we will just have to work on it until we cannot do it anymore". "In my life, nothing comes easy, so I am ready to do the work". He then goes ahead to let me know that I panic easy and there is no need for that. He says that I tend to over think and throw myself into a tizzy. Well sir, last I looked, the POI diagnosis is not a walk in the park!
I am kinda resentful about that, not that I would want him to have the same level of response like I do. But I would want him to be more thoughtful before saying things like "I am overreacting". That is the problem with having expectations.... I do not want to have any expectations, I should just take him as he is. I don't know how to go about it anymore but to hold things in or blog them really. I am thankful for this coz it lets me get things out of my chest.
The whole resentment thing is my problem really. It only messes with my heart and emotions, not his. So I have to work around that. Oh dear!
I remember the days when I was so scared of getting pregnant and would literally freak out at the thought of it. My focus in academia and doing things "the right way".